MsVixx Secret Garden

What's The Haps

2007-03-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have been SO busy... with too much to list here. Thankfully, it seems to all be slowing down at the moment. I am looking into starting my own business.. so lots and lots to do with that. And I have been listening to some new music... and surprisingly have found someone I am really digging. Here she is.... Amy Winehouse... from England.

Amy Winehouse - Re...

Christmas Songs for the Modern World

2006-12-05T10:03:00.000-08:00

* 1. Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Treesand.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'mGonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

A Tribute to Canada

2006-12-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

This is a good read - funny how it took someone in England to put it into words...

Sunday Telegraph Article
From today's UK wires: Salute to a brave and modest nation Kevin Myers, The Sunday Telegraph

LONDON - Until the deaths last week of four Canadian soldiers accidentally killed by a U.S. warplane in Afghanistan, probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops were deployed in the region. And as always, Canada will now bury its dead, just as the rest of the world as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.

It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again.

That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States, and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved.

Yet its purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada's entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.

Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, its unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular Memory as somehow or other the work of the "British." The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth-largest air force in the world.

The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the previous time. Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a touching scrupulousness which, of course, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.

So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British. It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers.

Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves – and are unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth - in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.

Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular on-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.

So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan? Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac, Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun.

It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This week, four more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well.

When Name Calling Isn't Wrong...

2006-10-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, Canada!

2006-10-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Being Canadian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV

Oh and Only in Canada...

Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Canada...

Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junky and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Canada...

Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

The Parrot

2006-09-20T06:07:00.000-07:00

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had togo to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,""Shut your mouth, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Moral to story:

Men just won't listen

Best Sunscreen

2006-09-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

Ok .. so I finally got the swimming pool I've been needing to survive summers in the south, and have been in it pretty much non-stop since June. My new struggle has been keeping my pale, fair skin from turning into a leathery burnt to a crisp mess. So... in researching ways to keep myself burn free, and yet still thrashing in the water.... I have discovered the BEST way to keep one's face from getting burnt. Below is a picture of the prescribed treatment. Enjoy, and I hope this becomes part of your regimen! hehe

Bra Codes

2006-08-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chad for this funny..... I thought you all would get a kick out of it too.

My Mistake

2006-07-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of a rose last night.
My words dripping lovers tears,
I love you,
Words that so seldom escaped my lips.
My love wilted in this memory
As I closed my eyes and whispered your name,
And before you disappeared, I saw your face.

I dreamt of the truth last night.
I am your habit, your conquest, your addiction
My skin you touched, but your heart is hidden.
Your eyes burned lies through the haze,
As I closed my mind and saw your face.

I dreamt of my mistakes last night.
I opened my heart as you devoured my soul,
I knew what was to come, and I still cowered
When you stood so magnificent at my door.
I tried to tell you the truth that day,
But I closed my eyes and could see only your face.

I dreamt of my lies last night.
The words that I let escape my lips,
I still love you.
How long did I know that it was not true?
A month?
Two?
I tried to tell you, but the words always escaped,
When I opened my door and saw your face.

I dreamt of your power last night.
The control you have over my words and mind.
As you tear at the petals, and pause the time.
I have wanted to escape, but you feed me so many lies,
That I think its you I see when I close my eyes.
I don’t want to long for another loveless embrace,
Yet when I close my eyes I still see your face.

I dreamt of my escape last night.
Prying your powerful arms from my weak frame,
I turned around and saw your face
Your anger, your misery, every wound you’ve made,
And I turned and ran, I ran away.
And when I looked back from where I came
You were gone again, and I don’t remember your face.

Divert Your Course

2006-07-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

Alcoholoroscopes

2006-07-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

I am Gemini... which one are you? hehe

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19) Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21) Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22) Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22) Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21) Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.

Thank you Thank YOU!

2006-06-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

AH HA!

2006-06-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

2006-04-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

BAAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Food for thought

2006-04-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...

There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."
---Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Speaking as someone who has followed the laws to become an immigrant, I believe that there has to be some accountability for those that break the law. I did not get any sort of priviledge, I did not come here because I was highly educated and a company sponsored me, I am not extremely wealthy and have a slew of lawyers greasing the skids. I obeyed the laws of the land, and still because I am an immigrant, should something happen and I am charged and convicted of any crimes, I have been "informed" by several pieces of mailed literature that I WILL be exiled back to my home country, never to be allowed back into the US. So why should illegals, who have continually refused to obey this country's laws get a free pass? I agree their flee from poverty may be valid, but if you are going to come to a country and agree to the laws of the land.. then by God follow them.

MVP!

2006-04-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

This is my nephew Levi... who had the final tournament for rugby in Texas 2 weekends ago. Their team spanked Texas, winning the A&M tournament and are the Division Champs! He has been scouted by both University of Texas and University of Oklahoma... but because if his fine playing skills at this tournament the Aussies are now fiercly courting him to go play professionally in Australia! Can we say WOO HOO?!

He is such a well rounded young man, and in spite of all of the politics and stuff that happens when you are an athlete and more than one institution wants you, he just said "yanno Auntie.. all I wanna do is be a chiropractor in sports medicine". Don't let that fool you into thinking that it makes him less competitive, because the boy can play! He won MVP for the season, and for the final game. HOORAH! He is just one of those young men that can do anything. He has in his young life, raced motocross on the amateur circuit until he got bored, played football, was scouted for team Canada for baseball but declined, ski's, runs, you name it he just can do it all. And I am really proud of him for just being so blessed, and so humble. On top of that it is especially cool considering that none of the rest of us are that graceful and athletic! LOL!

His facial expression in this first one.. kills me. I think he learned that from me~ :D It would also be good evidence as to why the only required equipment is a cup... HANDS! HANDS!

Things that make you go....

2006-04-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

Ok! I know it's been a while. But shit happens here in buttcrack!

First let me say how very much I hate living here. HATE it. Well except for the wisteria and magnolia trees and daffodils growing wild. Those I like. The rest can collectively suck my ass.

Sunday night began the long torturous season that is called TORNADO! *sigh* At this moment, I would glady move back to the land of -20 and 2 feet of snow. Please? Between 8pm Sunday and 5:30am Monday, 63 tornado's had touched down within a 100 mile radius of my home. The deadliest of which hit less than 15 miles, killing 24 people. Thankfully I am spared again, but you cannot live that close to destruction and death and not respond. You just can't. One father lost his son, daughter-in-law, and 2 grandchildren in one stroke. And to make it worse, he is the towns only mortician. It is heartbreaking really. The whole season is just bullshit to me, I mean who in the hell wants to go through the constant stress of OMG, into the safe room! Omg.. storm, eep no power AGAIN!. Not me, and this week I have been heard loud and clear that it is time to move.

In amongst that I have been doing employee evaluations, writing the new legislation bid based on our pilot program that will do a LOT of good nationwide for those that need it most, keeping up with a mother that needs bypass surgery and is too stubborn to do what she needs to do, reconnecting with my father and enjoying that immensely, praying for a step-son in Iraq, renovating around the house, celebrating with my baby sis on buying her new home, and basically trying to find some time alone. I will be traveling again soon, to a couple of places... and I am going to have some fun damnit!

To quote someone I like....

How do you capture a rainbow and put it in a blog? How do you hold God’s kitten in the palm of your hand? How do you make flowers grow by sheer whimsy alone?

You don’t. But fuck you. PRETEND!

Hehe ok.. I feel better now... carry on!

Jerk er JOKE! off Wednesay

2006-03-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car. Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him.

All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

-------------------------------------------------------

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

Public Safety In The South

2006-03-01T09:23:00.000-08:00

This... is the South's version of Airbag Safety. Thank you baby jesus for making me just the way I am! Tee Hee

This is the South's version of being rear-ended. Never a dull moment on the commute I tell you.

And this, my friends, is what the law enforcement looks like here in Buttcrack! Now you know why Bo & Luke Duke always made the getaway look so easy!

I am Woman, hear me roar!

2006-02-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!...

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

Woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an up date for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

They say it's your birthday.....

2006-02-22T08:07:00.000-08:00

This is my baby sister, and today is her birthday. Isn't she beautiful? I am so happy for her, and proud of the things she has overcome in the past year... keep up the good work chicklette!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2006-02-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

Some days... it just feels like life is passing by way WAY too quickly. I can hardly believe that it is already February, I mean it was just Christmas yesterday right? AND...I can hardly believe that I have moved here to Buttcrack FIVE years ago already. Five.

SO I guess I should pull my head outta my ass and update. Let's see.. where to start.

Father in law briefly lost his mind and married a woman 30 years his junior who thinks its really cool to be physically abusive. Whatever floats your boat man... really. Too much drama for me... and really... Like I could imagine myself all hot and steamy with a 67 yr old man. NOT.
Baby sister bought her first home... and is doing so fabulous since her asslick ex-husband decided to fuck around on her and not tell her til 3 days before Christmas last year and almost destroy her. Pay back is a bitch... all I'm sayin.
Step-son left for Iraq and is now in service for his Country. Agree with the war or not, it's something that will forever change this young generation and how the world will treat them. I only pray that ignorance will not prevail this time, and that our men and women fighting for freedom aren't treated as second class citizens as they were coming back from Vietnam. Grow up already people.
Was re-united with my best friend after not speaking for more than 2 yrs. I wish that it was under different circumstances, but I am glad that I picked up the phone and tried one more time. You just never know when someone is in need of a friendly voice and the love of a good friend. We have too much history to just throw it all away. I didn't know that her father had been ill with cancer, nor that he had died just a few days before I called.... I only knew she was on my heart, and I had to call. Keep those you love, close people.
Work is on my last nerve. For real. I have never ever had to deal with the kind of racial bullshit and sheer laziness with a group of people in my whole life they way it is here. And coming from Western Canada where issues with native indians abound.. thats saying something. I could post daily on the ignorance of the people that live here, but I refrain because I just don't need to depress myself for living in such a glaringly backwards, ignorant and biggoted shithole.
My little sister was driving home on the 405 in LA, bumper to bumper in traffic, when a guy in a beamer catches her eye as he pulls up beside her, and lo and behold... he was whacking off and grinnin at her like he had won 1st place in some competition. Men should really learn some shame... especially when they are hung like a gnat. She said .... OMG seriously... the smallest dick ever. *cries laffin* Welcome to Hollywierd.
I was going to my car in the parking garage after work... broad daylight, and for those of you that have read previous posts, know this garage is notorious for the street people that sometimes end up in there.... Well there I am minding my own business... when this realllly REALLLY big dirty shaggy black man steps out from behind the concrete pillar, pants still buttoned but unzipped, and his GYNORMOUS cock in his hand stroking. I didn't really register what was going on at first because I was juggling my purse, my briefcase, and my phone that was ringing, while trying to remote unlock the door to get into my vehicle. Right in the middle of saying "hello", I see what is going on and immediately yelled AWWW HELL NAW! To which my sister goes OMG what!. Then the dude says gruffly to me, around the cigarette in his mouth... and the one tooth he was sportin..... " C'mon bitch... show me your growler!" I shit you not... I laffed for an hour over that one.... after I jumped into the car, locked all doors, changed my undies from being scared shitless, and took off that is.

And how have you been? rofl

Love

2006-01-31T09:51:00.000-08:00

May those that love us, Love us...

And those that don't love us may God turn their hearts...

And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their

ankles so that we will know them by their limping.

2006-01-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

This is my mooood today. Hehehehe. Happy hump day! !

oh and PS! The step demon is moving today. I am so happy I could shit. But I will refrain. ;)

I Wish....

2005-12-14T06:52:00.000-08:00

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your stockings be filled with surprises.... I know mine are!

Merry Christmas to all!

Perfect Whoaman

2005-11-30T11:44:00.000-08:00

This was sent to me by a very funny guy :P

Who Came.....

2005-11-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

hehe this ones for you richie

Moody

2005-11-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

Well it has been 5 years now, since I moved here....and lately I have been reflecting more on the time that has passed. Much more drama has occurred in 5 years than should ever happen in a family, and in my humble opinion was for the most part unnecessary. I am a very straight forward person, I don't harbor secret grudges or sneak out of bed in the middle of the night to poke pins into voodoo dolls of my detractors. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I spend a great portion of my day laughing and being happy... because I am a pretty upbeat happy person. I married into a family of Negative Nellies, and all the bitching and moaning just well... pisses me off. M has some issues that I completely understand and sympathize with, however it just seems that in the last 2 years especially, he is becoming more and more neurotic over things he cannot control. There are just days when I feel like I am gonna stab him in the eye with a fork if he doesn't.stop.bitching. It's not so much bitching as it is being negative, always seeing the bad in things.

The latest thing that has brought this behavior out, is the demon spawn moving (yet again). She is 23 years old, and quite frankly, NEEDS to be on her own to learn a little gratitude for the things she takes for granted. Don't get me wrong, her father needs his tail whipped too for enabling that.. for just taking over and running the show without ever giving her a little push to learn to stand on her feet. Any of you that know me, know that I'd give the shirt off my back for anyone.. but play me for a fool? AWW HELL NO. But she is sticking to her guns this time, and 6 months from now or a year from now will probably need bailing out (again). I think it is good for her, but I am dreading the torture of his manic worry and depression that comes about from not being able to control it all. Jesus.. give me a break already and make him grow up!? *heh* Sorry I bust out in prayer a lot like that lol.

What ever happened to enjoying your time when the kids grow up and move out. I mean DUH we are all going to worry about their well being, but does that mean you just roll over and die and have no life of your own? I am only 37 and I have no intention of shriveling up to moan and worry... I will live...and laugh.

Here is my funny for the day... in my case... the roles be reversed tho *chuckle*.

Missing

2005-10-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

What a weird couple of weeks it has been. Just so much happening, and no rest for the wicked. Yanno how that goes? And sorry to those who think my blog has become a smut porn blog... It hasn't. I shared a bit of my other work, but I am over it now. I'll keep it where it hangs out normally rather that offend any more sensitive types. It's amazing how fast people get their panties in a bunch over a blog that isn't even THEIRS!

So what has been happening you ask. Lemme give you the condensed version:

Uncle passed away quite suddenly
Go to Nashville for work... Get stranded when work vehicle dies
Only rental vehicle to be found to get home was a big HUGE super duper extended POS Dodge truck.. No others available because of the Man/Boy love conference in the genteel southern city of Nashville. *eyeroll*
Come down with deadly cold/sinus/cough general schmegma thing that brings a 103 temp for 8 straight days.
Find out stepson is being deployed to Iraq.
Watch hubby have a mild meltdown over it.
Had another cancer scare, but had to wait for TWO WEEKS before the doc finally called and told me.. oops... just kidding.

Anyhoo.. this is the tip of the iceberg. When I sober up from the Nyquil, I may expand on the points. Then again I might forget due to the fever. *hehe*

Be well and hug a loved one today. Its better than choking the shit out of a stranger :)

More Smut

2005-10-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

This one is for someone special. You know who you are.

---------------------------------

Welcome Home

Naked on the couch I watch you walk into the door.....shoulders tense from a long hard day at work. I wordlessly walk over to you...easing your tie off...slowly unbuttoning your shirt, taking your shoes and pants off....then finally your boxers. I reach over and take a jar of coconut oil, dropping three exquisite drops onto your slumbering member. You twitch a little as the oil runs down the length of you to nestle in your curls. I reach out with my fingers, and as each delicate caress finds you, you catch your breath.

As I follow my fingers with my tongue...a soft moan escapes you....darting teasingly. My tongue follows the vein that is now starting to throb as you grow in my mouth. Balls hanging full...I cup them, making you grunt with flaming longing. As I cup you, I feel each quite clearly with my thumb and forefinger, drawing a caressing finger over each before abandoning them. For a moment you look bereft, groaning in frustration.

I stand and begin to suck on your ear...pouring more oil on your member , smoothing, kneading, circling your engorged erection. Oiled fingers wander and circle your anus...thumb wiggling over the sensitive skin....slowly inching into you. I look into your eyes...and you see my longing, imploring you to keep silent. The tip of your erection moist and pearled in arousal...it pleases me...so I drop down to the floor, bringing you with me...and straddle your dusky, glistening body. Clinging to you...I kiss you deeply...hands cupping your buttocks...roaming up over your strong back. I lean back and smile .....lowering onto you...taking you with studied slowness, inch by glorious inch....thick, warm and to the hilt. "Very nice"...I whisper in your ear.

Sighing you clutch my hips, rearing up hard and suddenly into me...making me gasp in surprised pleasure. I laugh and withdraw to your tip...then lowering hard...this time it is you who cry out. With ritualistic slowness, I repeat the action, watching your ecstatic face, feeling your hands reach up, cup my breasts...clasping & unclasping...fingers rolling my nipples. I feel oil dripping over my hips, running down the channel to my ass - and I squirm at the sensation. Your hands back on my hips, cupping my ass...making splendid squelching noises as you handle it impatiently.

I rise from your lap...your hardness slipping out of me....and I groan at its leaving. But then I turn...your hands still gripping me....and lean over the foot ottoman behind me....offering you a complete view of my behind. I feel your thighs brush the backs of mine, the hairs tickling yet arousing me at the same time. I turn my head...craning to see you...but you are only focused on one thing. Hard cock in your hand,...you begin to rub it over the length of my ass, slickly passing through the fragrant oil. I press into you...letting you know that I too am wanting what you want. To be possessed in this unforbidden way.

Your tip pressed against my soft hole....so tight, yet clenching with anticipation. Never had you been like this with me yet...both of us so aroused, yet a little unsure. I push gently back into you, feeling the tip begin to inch into me. We both stop, allowing my muscles to adjust to you...both of us taught with desire. You bend over me, nipping at the flesh on my shoulder....marking me as yours....as you slowy make your way into my passage - desperately trying to resist the urge to quickly take me. Almost there....I am quivering with the pleasure/pain of it....my muscles clenching you wildly. The oil serves to make it easier....but also to make you slide in quicker. As you enter me almost completely, I cry out...thrusting my bottom further into the air...enticing you to further boldness.

I reach my hand down...and feel where our bodies are joined....an electric jolt passing through my body at our wantonness. The pleasure extreme, perhaps at times too acute, could not last long for either of us. I am too full...so tight....completely overwhelmed at the sensations. Craning my head around again....my eyes plead with you for release....and as you bend in close you thrust your tongue deep into my mouth, and I scream in unbearable delight as my body goes rigid through the sublime waves of ecstasy your body is showing mine. Grinning at my body's twitching, a chuckle escapes you , but then quickly turns to surprise as I clench strongly around you as you thrust and slither.....ramming into me. Now your look is one of greedy determination, so overcome with need and heady pleasure..thrusting mindlessly....grabbing me...imprisoning me motionless with your hands....targeting my very core. Another fierce climax hits me...wave after wave of the most intense pleasure rocketing through to my very soul. I arch my back as I cry out for you, clenching you one last time as you find your own magnificent release.....deep inside me, joined so intimately.

We collapse into a heaving heap on the floor....words failing either of us. Sore and sensitive from your loving abuse....I reach out for your hand....pulling you to your feet....and leading you to the jacuzzi in the moonlit bathroom. Seeing the candles...and the steaming water,...you tenderly take my face into your hands, and softly kiss me, pulling me close...reassuring me. Together we climb into the water...me leaning against your chest as you recline...arms wrapped around each other. I tip my head back...and kiss you lightly on the lips...whispering "welcome home baby".......

Story Time

2005-10-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that in my alter ego I write erotica for a friend's website. I have been writing for many years now, and I thought that just because its Thursday... and its dreary outside, I would share a story here to warm us all up. It is very graphic, so if that offends you please stop now and I promise things will be back to normal tomorrow. Until then... I hope you enjoy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enchanted By Vixxen

Picture us, kneeling chest to chest, thigh to thigh, hands seeking out all that is foreign.......shy one moment, bold the next. I rub against you, you nuzzle between my breasts, loving the warm softness. Listening to the wonderful velvety quality to your voice as you whisper softly in my ear - telling me what it is you want.

Leaning over you pick up our shared glass of wine, sipping from the glass....and slowly pouring some of the golden liquid over my shoulder and watching as it courses across my breasts - leaning forward to lick it as it starts to drip off of my pointed nipples. I reach around and cradle your buttocks, loving the way they clench in need.

I gently push you back....greedy to taste you...yet wanting to explore every inch of your body. With exquisite, agonizing slowness...I start to lick from just behind your right ear...stopping to nip at the skin on your shoulder...taking my time over your erect nipples...to lave them with my tongue...making them wet and oh so sensitive to my touch.

Down further I go, my hair trailing over your body...arousing as it falls. Stopping to take my time with your belly button....making love to it with my tongue. You grasp handfulls of my hair, gently but firmly tugging me....guiding me...needing me to take you. Remembering how I woke that morning to find pillows beneath my belly, so that my ass was offered up to you.....you behind me holding me wide open by the thighs and thrusting with majestic tenderness at my very core, I look up into your eyes, and smile...knowing that my exquisite awakening would serve to urge me to bring you to a roaring climax.

As I find my way down over your hip...nibbling and swirling my tongue over your heated skin....I hear a soft moan escape as my hair grazed your hardness....and I dip my head lower. Down across your right thigh...crouched between your legs...my breast softly touching your leg...hardening them even more. I gradually lower myself so that I am laying between your spread legs...still licking...always touching...searching for the things you like the most.

I put my hands beneath your bent knees....and gently push your legs towards your chest....my lips seeking out your sac...to suckle and tease. Seeing you open to me like this only serves to arouse me more....loving this give and take....so open and free with our bodies. Still staying away from your hardness....only softly blowing on its underside....nuzzling your sac with my nose....my tongue exploring in earnest.. I lick down from your thigh....down, down....further until I feel the fullness of your ass.....nipping you....moaning as you tense in pleasure...

Knowing how much you love being pleasured this way...I keep coaxing moans.... tempting you to lose control... Finally I am completely at your core...my tongue dancing around your sensitive hole.....then without warning I take one long lick with the flat of my tongue over the skin at your opening - making you jump. My tongue forms a point....and gently eases into you...thrusting - wetting you.... Up over the underside of your balls, the base of your cock, then finally over then silky hard skin to the very tip...stopping only to swirl around the rim... I hear you suck your breath in...and it only fires my need to please you more. As I raise up over your cock...you look at me knowing that I will finally take you into my mouth. But I stop.

I keep climbing up your body....kissing..yet looking you in the eye....straddling you...kissing your neck....lifting my hips, and holding you at my moist entrance... As I begin to slowly lower myself onto you....adjusting to the fit...I lean over you...my hair falling like a veil over us...I take your bottom lip into my mouth... suckling...and then fully kissing you deeply as you fill me completely. My muscles clench around you....rippling over you as if coaxing you to spill into me....and again I stop. Still pulsing inside my hotness, I begin to pull away from your lips...lost in the feeling of sensual connection...the heat in your eyes telling me all I need to know. I slowly pull up...as you slip from my sheath...and I groan with the frustration of missing your warmth.

I dismount....and place myself again between your legs....leaning in to take you into my mouth fully....tasting myself, my arousal, my need on you. Pre-cum mingling with my juices...then further you slide into my mouth...and throat...the tightness causing you to growl.... seeking release. I take your hand, and place it on the back of my head.....your fingers curling into the locks and beginning to tug. When you sense my readiness you begin to guide my head...up and down... slowly...building toward a common goal. I move my body to the side a bit, straddling your leg...and you feel my wetness leaking out onto your leg - knowing that I am as aroused by this as you. My hand sneaks up...and cups your sac...gently massaging you...feeling them tighten. As I grip your shaft...you groan again...and I sense the need to quicken the pace a bit. I uncurl your fingers from my hair...place my hands on either side of your hips...and begin to suck...all the way to the tip.....the quickly down your shaft until it is deep in my throat. Moans escape from my lips....humming softly on your cock....my head thrashing now...hair flinging over your body....as I frantically swallow all of you....

As you look down & see the passion fog my eyes to a soft shade of purple, you know that I am on the edge with you...needing release of my own. I reach down with one hand...and squeeze my clit...bringing a quick bark of release from me....I then take my wet fingers from my pussy,....and slowly begin to play with your ass. One hand stroking your cock as my mouth works up and down....the other gently slipping into your juice slickened hole... As my finger enters you...I feel your balls contract more...knowing you are on the edge. I slowly turn my hand so that the palm is up....and push upwards with my finger finding your sensitive spot... Stroking, sucking, and fingering you faster and faster with each stroke. Hot, tight and wet.... your hips start to buck,..and I know that with the next few strokes I will have what I wanted....to taste you. Putting a little more pressure on your sensitive spot...and squeezing the base of your cock at just the right spot rewards me with the first splash of your cum in my mouth... As your orgasm overtakes you....you grab my hair....pulling on it harder this time... Once more my finger pushes, and you release the rest to me.....loudly yelling...full bodied pleasure sweeping you into the abyss.

My finger slowly leaving your clenching tightness. My mouth swallowing all of your creaminess....cleaning you fully....my hand slackening its hold.... My head falls to the side...resting on your hip...you can feel my breath coming in gasps...you become aware of wetness on your leg...and you remember through the haze of pleasure....hearing me call your name as I tumbled over the edge with you....

You pull my up to your side....legs and arms wrapping each other in tenderness....kiss my face softly...then my lips... My hands still lightly rubbing your chest...and we start to laugh...our only way to let the emotions, the amazement, the intensity of our experience out.....

Tick Tock Clock

2005-10-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

So my biological clock has been nearing the alarm stage for a little while.... and it's driving me crazy. Seriously. I have always said that there is plenty of time, that I wanted to be sure... you know all of those things. In high school I watched as all of the other girls paired off with one of the guys, all of them too immature to even consider marriage, but all of them too horny, and too guilt ridden to fuck without being married. You see I went to a christian private school. No, we must not see the private dangly bits of the guys unless you are married to them. Within 6 months of graduation 98% of the graduating class were married.

I went on to work, sing in a band, party, travel and generally just have a good time. My older sister got married at 18, without graduating, and at 5 months pregnant. I was 13. He happened to be a very abusive man, and my sister wasn't terribly mature herself. So I was fortunate to see plenty of things that I did not want to happen with me, and I took the necessary precautions to ensure it.

Turning 25 and watching all of my friends start to get divorces, and raise children on their own, kinda reinforced to me that I made the right decision. I saw my older sister resented that she had 4 children and never went anywhere except locally.... and yet I was traveling all over Canada and the US. I thought it would have been obvious that it was in her control not to get pregnant LOL. Silly me!

Anyway...when I was turning 30, didn't bother me in the least. Everyone around me kept watching to see if I was going to have a breakdown. OMG shes not married... no babies. I was quite happy actually. It just never came. But in order to console all my family and close friends, because THEY were having the breakdown, I bought a sports car. hehehe

Now I am 37... and I am feeling the need. I'll keep you posted to see if its the real need or if its just time for me to hit the snooze button again.

Pass it On

2005-09-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

Thankyou Sam :)

I've Learned

2005-09-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope that they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and that it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that you better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, they are more screwed up than you think!

I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you have finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you far too soon, and all the less important ones never go away.

I've learned that you should pass this along, something good might happen. If not, tough shit! LOL

Puff The Magic Dragon

2005-09-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It seems like my blog has a theme in the pictures lately. Smut. But really that wasn't/isn't my intention. Sometimes I see things and they just stop me and make me think "WTF??" Take these photos for example. A very VERY good friend of mine in Canada is a fabulously talented air brush artist, who does the most amazing work ever on bikes, cars, leather, you name it. He is also a musician (go figure), and one of the sexiest men walking, even though he really has no clue that he is. I have known him since I was in grade 5, and fell in love with him that first early September morning. He knows this, and the feelings have always been very mutual. We have woven in and out of each others lives for years, and have always had this certain ESP with each other. I always know when he needs me, and I call.... and he does the same with me.

But, I digress.

Being the artist that he is... he is involved with many artsy fartsy other people... not to mention that he subscribes to various biker/tattoo/airbrush magazines. So this morning I get an email from him... with the following picture attached. All he could say was "fucking OUCH". He wasn't sure if it would be more painful to have done, or to do it to someone. LOL Men. Why is it that they flinch even when its someone else's doinker involved.

So.. I now present to you.. Puff The Magic Dragon.

Tenjewberrymuds!

2005-09-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

When all else fails...

2005-09-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah... and the camaro... won 3rd place in a car show on the weekend. Not too shabby if I say so myself.... here is the car...

Loony Limericks

2005-09-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

This has been a week of laughter for me. Don't get me wrong, I needed it... badly. I have sorta taken on the attitude this week, that the rest of the world can kiss my rosey arse, I am going to stop and smell the flowers a bit. Or in this case, I am going to stop and laugh said arse off :). In our family it was sort of a contest, to be able to remember and recite at will limericks that were a tad raunchy, with the faces and body language silly enough to make everyone laugh. Enjoy, and if you have one you would like to share, please do!

------------------------

There once was a man from milas
Whose balls were made of fine brass
One night in stormy weather
They clanged together
And sparks shot out his ass

------------------------

Pickled pepper picker Peter Piper
Pined to pack his pecker in a porker
He poked a porker's pucker
With his pepper-pickers pecker
Now he's Peter Piper Porker Pucker Poker!

-------------------------

If there's shit on your hat, then declare it.
As for me, I don't think I could bear it.
It was dropped by a foo,
(A big bird at the zoo,)
And if the foo shits you must wear it

-------------------------

Her lips were as pink as a rooster's dink,
Her hair was horse-shit brown,
Her tits hung loose,
Like the balls of a moose
As she trucked all over town.

-------------------------

Before you should venture to shack her,
Or boldly try to attack her,
Please don't be a bubba.
Just reach for a rubba.
You should first put a wrap on your wacker!

-------------------------

Those long lovely legs on Ms. Fitz
I'd sure like to see where they quits!
I know it's somewhere
In a soft patch of hair
Just north of the place where she sits!

-------------------------

Speechless

2005-09-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so everyone is getting tagged and tagging and tea... er.. nevermind that part... but I noticed that some are about music, some are about lists of favorite movies or things, some are lists about the writer personally. I saw some that are the lists of famous people they would sex up.

Well I have one that I don't rightly care if he is famous or not, but I am relatively sure that even the men will be speechless over this.

Careful... adult content :).

I'll leave tissues at the door.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

2005-09-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell ! Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called therapy.

Freaky Friday

2005-09-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

So after a week of sickness, and feeling like poo, I thought I would post a couple of things to make us all laugh. Especially me. Enjoy :) psst.... and Pepe...skrimp boy... you thought he was good with his drawings! haha!

Grab a neck and squeeze..

2005-08-31T13:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt the overwhelming need to do that to someone? Choke the shit out of them, or just whap them in the back of the head? I have a low tolerance for intentional ignorance, and an even lower one for people who think of nothing but themselves. For as tough as I may seem to some people, I am a pussy cat.. really. I am always very considerate of others, polite when I drive, gracious to even complete strangers. Until you try to take advantage, hurt someone I love, try to ridicule me, or just generally behave like a dumbass. Insecurities cause a lot of people to behave like retards, and they don't realize that we can all see through the shallow attempts at coolness, or attractiveness. It just makes them more unappealing. I find it extremely interesting to watch people. Whether it be in life, or when I am on line. Two-faced people come in all colors and sizes.... and I find it quite humorous to see which face they use around different people. It says a lot about them, and how insecure they really are. I keep so much of my own personal life to myself, because really... there have been precious few that I felt I could trust enough to be open with. They know who they are, and I am forever grateful for them.

I have been making some big changes in my life.. and I will blog about it I am sure when I am ready. The ones I am happy about... 3 years since I stopped smoking. If only I could get my mom to give up the ghost too.

I got some pictures in the mail yesterday, from my best friend in Canada, of her and her two children. My god I miss them so much, and I am sick that I am missing those babies grow up! Babies~ What am I saying... they are 12 and 5. Jesus. I have missed too much. I was there when they were born. In the delivery room. What an amazing thing. I was 3rd to hold them.. I fed them, bathed them, changed them, laughed and cried with them.. they are my family. I am thinking about planning a trip to see them... it is time. I also want to plan a trip here in the US... with someone I know... a girl friend.... to just have a ladies weekend at a spa or something. Too many times us women forget to make time for ourselves. We are usually too busy "doing" for others.

The one thing that keeps me sane.. is a great sense of humor. Even in trying times, or in times when reflecting, I can alway find something to make me laugh. The gif that I shared... is one of them :).

Happy hump day!

Signs Signs, Everywhere the Signs

2005-08-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Oh, M'Gawd. I saw this and had to share! I laffed my effing ass off.

True Thing... an actual signpost seen by Joe:

Tattoos!
Body Piercing!
Back To School Supplies!

Because nothing says "Back To School" like a Prince Albert.

He answered the call...

2005-08-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

Regardless of whether or not one believes in the war in Iraq, and regardless of whether or not you like/hate GW... we are in it people... and every day there are young men and women fighting for our rights... however misguided, or how true they are. They don't care if you flipped your neighbor the bird, they don't care if you show your ignorance every day by being inconsiderate, they don't even care if you obey the laws or not. They simply answered the call, and are there, protecting your right to be as you please.

I attended Graduation ceremonies for my stepson this weekend. He graduated from Military Police Academy, and accomplished much more than just learning how to keep the peace. He became a man while he was in bootcamp, and in school. He learned about himself, and what is important to him, and I must say that I am so very proud of him. It was kind of bittersweet in a way for us. There is a long line of military service in the family. His father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, two uncles, and great grandfather etc, etc, have served and covered all branches of the service. He joined because he knew he was on his way to being a Thug, and knew that he needed the discipline that this would bring. We all knew that he would find himself along the way, and discover what he truly wanted. The bittersweet part of it is that in addition to discovering himself and his life goals, he also learned that he will be going to Iraq in the next 3 to 6 months. He will be keeping the peace, in a land where there has been no peace for much longer than the USA has been participating in wars. He will be keeping the peace, in a place where a great number of citizens will heed the call and try to kill "americans". He hugged me tight on his graduation day, and said... "Don't worry, I really do know what I want. I would rather go there and keep peace, than have to stay in my homeland and have them come here to kill those I love."

What a long way we have come.. he and I. He stood tall, and looked so handsome in his dress uniform. He looked me in the eye with the mischief and humor that has always been there, but I could also see the look of a man, who knows what is in store.

So, whatever your beliefs are, and whomever you pray to, please remember him in your thoughts and prayers. Here is what our future looks like.

Konichiwa Bitches!

2005-08-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

Directions: Go to musicoutfitters and put your birth year into the search field. The first link is likely the top 100 songs of that year. Cut and paste that list here. Bold the ones you actually like. Understand that the word "like" in this case means, at the very least, that you wouldn't immediately change the radio station. Pick a favorite and indicate it in italics.

Top Songs of 1968

1. Hey Jude, The Beatles
2. Honey, Bobby Goldsboro
3. Love Is Blue, Paul Mauriat
4. (Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay, Otis Redding
5. People Got To Be Free, Rascals
6. Sunshine Of Your Love, Cream
7. This Guy's In Love With You, Herb Alpert
8. Stoned Soul Picnic, Fifth Dimension
9. Mrs. Robinson, Simon and Garfunkel
10. Tighten Up, Archie Bell and The Drells
11. The Good, The Bad And The Ugly, Hugo Montenegro
12. Little Green Apples, O.C. Smith
13. Mony, Mony, Tommy James and The Shondells
14. Hello, I Love You, The Doors
15. Young Girl, Gary Puckett and The Union Gap
16. Cry Like A Baby, Box Tops
17. Harper Valley P.T.A., Jeannie C. Riley - ( usually sang this into my hairbrush!)
18. Grazing In The Grass, Hugh Masekela
19. Midnight Confessions, The Grass Roots
20. Dance To The Music, Sly and The Family Stone
21. The Horse, Cliff Nobles and Co.
22. I Wish It Would Rain, Temptations
23. La-La Means I Love You, Delfonics
24. Turn Around, Look At Me, Vogues
25. Judy In Disguise (With Glasses), John Fred and His Playboy Band
26. Spooky, Classics IV
27. Love Child, Diana Ross and The Supremes
28. Angel Of The Morning, Merrilee Rush
29. The Ballad Of Bonnie And Clyde, Georgie Fame
30. Those Were The Days, Mary Hopkin
31. Born To Be Wild, Steppenwolf
32. Cowboys To Girls, Intruders
33. Simon Says, 1910 Fruitgum Company
34. Lady Willpower, Gary Puckett and The Union Gap
35. A Beautiful Morning, Rascals
36. The Look Of Love, Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66
37. Hold Me Tight, Johnny Nash
38. Yummy, Yummy, Yumm-Ohio Express ("I want your love in my tummy" HA)
39. Fire , Crazy World Of Arthur Brown
40. Love Is All Around, Troggs
41. Playboy, Gene and Debbe
42. (Theme From) Valley Of The Dolls, Dionne Warwick
43. Classical Gas, Mason Williams
44. Slip Away, Clarence Carter
45. Girl Watcher, O'Kaysions
46. (Sweet Sweet Baby) Since You've Been Gone, Aretha Franklin
47. Green Tambourine, Lemon Pipers
48. 1, 2, 3, Red Light, 1910 Fruitgum Company
49. Reach Out Of The Darkness, Friend and Lover
50. Jumpin' Jack Flash, The Rolling Stones
51. MacArthur Park, Richard Harris
52. Light My Fire, Jose Feliciano
53. I Love You, People
54. Take Time To Know Her, Percy Sledge
55. Pictures Of Matchstick Men, Status Quo
56. Summertime Blues, Blue Cheer
57. Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing, Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell
58. I Got The Feelin', James Brown and The Famous Flames
59. I've Gotta Get A Message To You, Bee Gees
60. Lady Madonna, The Beatles
61. Hurdy Gurdy Man, Donovan
62. Magic Carpet Ride, Steppenwolf
63. Bottle Of Wine, Fireballs
64. Stay In My Corner, Dells
65. Soul Serenade, Willie Mitchell
66. Delilah, Tom Jones
67. Nobody But Me, Human Beinz
68. I Thank You, Sam and Dave
69. The Fool On The Hill, Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66
70. Sky Pilot, Eric Burdon and The Animals
71. Indian Lake, The Cowsills
72. I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight, Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart
73. Over You, Gary Puckett and The Union Gap
74. Goin' Out Of My Head / Can't Take My Eyes Off You, The Lettermen
75. Shoo-Bee-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day, Stevie Wonder
76. The Unicorn, The Irish Rovers
77. (You Keep Me) Hangin' On, Vanilla Fudge
78. Revolution, The Beatles
79. Woman, Woman, Gary Puckett and The Union Gap
80. Elenore, Turtles
81. Sweet Inspiration, Sweet Inspirations
82. The Mighty Quinn, Manfred Mann
83. Baby, Now That I've Found You, Foundations
84. White Room, Cream
85. If You Can Want, Smokey Robinson and The Miracles
86. Cab Driver, The Mills Brothers
87. Time Has Come Today, The Chambers Brothers
88. Do You Know The Way To San Jose, Dionne Warwick
89. Scarborough Fair / Canticle, Simon and Garfunkel
90. Think, Aretha Franklin <----- My Favorite in the list :) 91. You're All I Need To Get By, Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell 92. Here Comes The Judge, Shorty Long 93. I Say A Little Prayer, Aretha Franklin
94. Say It Loud, I'm Black And I'm Proud
95. Sealed With A Kiss, Gary Lewis and The Playboys
96. Piece Of My Heart, Big Brother and The Holding Company
97. Suzie Q., Creedence Clearwater Revival
98. Bend Me Shape, American Breed
99. Hey, Western Union Man, Jerry Butler
100. Never Give You Up, Jerry Butler

Subject: I Wish This Weren't True

2005-08-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

**This is an actual letter posted in the paper**

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty years in Washington, DC. Here are examples why we might just be in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response (click).

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on luggage tags? I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, what ever!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.

Music Tag

2005-08-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

For Cheri

I never do these sorts of things! But Cheri made me do it. However, I am not passing it on! heh.,

I am supposed to list five songs that I am currently digging - it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs I am really enjoying right now.

1. The Jook Joint - Tony D. (whole album)( my friend and amazing guitarist~ Go Buy it!)

if you like the blues, or just a fan of great musicianship, give this man a try. One of the most soulful people I have had the pleasure to know!

2. Jealous Again - Black Crowes

3. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia

4. It's Bad You Know - RL Burnside

5. Fool For Your Stockings - ZZ Top

What in the.....

2005-08-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

As you know by now, my step daughter has decided that she is a lesbian now. The reason I say it this way, is because there are many reasons why I believe she is just going through this period of exploration and doesn't really quite know what she wants. I won't go into graphic personal detail, but lets just say that some of the sexual practices within the community are something she refuses to do. Nuff Said.

This all brings about very interesting conversations in our house, as she tries her utmost to talk about things in a worldly way to make herself look cool. What she didn't count on was that I am not like most typical parents (or older people *eyeroll*). I happen to have several gay friends (male and female), I happen to know a whole lot about bdsm etc, and am very wise and well read on many aspects of life. So when she tries to get some shock value out of bringing up various genital piercings at the dinner table (classy isn't it?), she usually tends to be a little set back when I say things like.. "Oh why would you want your tongue pierced 'to enhance sexual stimulation' when you refuse to go down on a woman?". *laff*

Anyway... she has shaved her head, which has completely disgusted her father, because she had the most gorgeous shoulder length sandy blonde hair that most women would scratch a bitches eyes out for. She decided that she needed to forsake femininity and exchange all of the accoutrements that go along with being a woman, like bras and panties and shoes and hair products, for skater wear, mens boxer shorts, mens shoes, binding her breasts to look like she has none, and shaving her head. Now keep in mind she HATES it when we go to the mall and people stare at her all shocked. Not to mention that she cannot carry of the diesel dyke impersonation very well while looking like a timid pup. She just doesn't have the road hard put away wet tude down. Thank God.

I have no idea why it seems to be so important to the younger people of today to lable themselves something, anything. Why being gay or bisexual is the new "fad". Don't get me wrong. I am far from being a prude, but I am a realist, and I do know that sex, even when done for the sake of just being sex, can be damaging to some who have no blessed idea who, what, or why they are doing what they do. Sex has become just something everyone does.... and usually with whomever comes along. What I find the most sad, is that in this day and time, with all of the advancements, education and liberation, the US is gradually having several epidemics happen, and people just dont seem to care. AIDs is morphing again, STD's are highly on the rise, especially in the 15 - 30 yr old bracket. And Im talking about things like syphillis, gonorrhea, herpes,... all things that "USED" to be taught and educated about, with many ways to prevent them, are now rampant again. No wonder young people are confused.

The newest thing she wants are tattoos, face piercings and she was even looking at having lacing done. For those of you that don't know, this is what it looks like.

Heaven help us.

And I'm Gonna Snap

2005-08-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

This week has been the week from hell. Today is our annual audit day, and you would think that the rest of the people I work with, would be prepared. After all, the whole reason for having the audit is to a) make sure we aren't breaking any privacy laws, and are working cases properly, and b) to have our performance documented so that we continue to GET FUNDING! Hello... I think having a steady job is kind of a neat concept, dont you? We were notified 3 months ago that today would be the big day. We were even given a heads up about which cases they wanted to pull from, as well as various and sundry reports they wanted ready. Could it be any easier? I hopped to it, and made sure to pencil in my tasks, leaving the final reports for this week. All I had to do was hit print.

That was until Tuesday, at 3:45 pm.

That was when my boss decided to lay out some big long-winded thing about what someone "forgot" to do, and blah blah, yak yak, blah.. I need you to do this k? Now I fully realize that where my work is concerned, I am a serious over-achiever. I realize that not many people are going to be as anal retentive about stuff as I am, nor are they able to work well under pressure... like I am.. and I accept that. What chaps my ass is that when you have this trait people around you tend to dump all kinds of shit on you.. fully expecting you to bail them out and they take all the credit. Pffft. They can eat my ass with a spoon. I did it again... and now the auditor is raving about how organized things are. HELLO! Do you see the bags under my eyes from staying up all night? *sigh*. I did tell my boss this morning though, that I would no longer do that. They are on their own.

Is it 4:30 yet... cause I have a jug of margueritas with my name all over it... somewhere!

Elvis Has Left The Building

2005-08-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Baby Jesus in a chicken basket.

On my weekends away from working down here in this shithole, I tend to embrace fully the sanity of the burb I live in. I am 40 miles away from the madness, and yet it seems like a lifetime. Usually I tend to forget the ignoramus in the silver mustang who likes to tailgate and then cut off anyone within a 2 mile radius, or the fat redhead twat (yes I said TWAT) in the intrepid who swerves through both lanes as she simultaneously talks on her cell phone, brushes her stringy hair, and puts on mascara all while driving through morning traffic. I forget how annoying the student drivers in the 18 wheelers can be, and how edgy the "brothahs" smoking a joint and going 30 in their paranoid state make me. I also forget what happens in the city. And then, on monday morning .. I am slapped in the face in remembrance.

This week, I have all of those things to look forward to... but in addition, it happens to be Elvis Presley's death week. Give me a fucking break already. AND... he would be 70 this year, so they have to make it Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Thousands and thousands of extra idiots converge on the city to mourn. And when I say mourn, I mean gnashing of teeth and wailing, and miles and miles of lines outside Graceland Wall, just to sign and leave your message. Now to be fair.. the only thing I have done at Graceland is to drive by and pull a mooner on the security guard at the gate. I could give 2 fucks. Seriously. And OMG.. my house is bigger than the "mansion". This year, they are also having an all night vigil. FUCK people... he probably OD'd just to get away from you annoying motherfuckers. He's not coming back. Get over yourself.

For those of you who want to be more like the King... and don't have the courage to kill yourself by taking handfulls of all pills known to man, and dying while taking your last shit (very Kinglike huh) here is the recipe of one of the things that was clogging his arteries at a fast pace. He had these daily. Cheers!

Elvis Presley's Grilled Peanut Butterand Banana Sandwich

2 slices of white bread
2 tablespoons of smooth peanut butter
1 small ripe banana mashed

2 tablespoons butter

Spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread and the mashed banana on the other. Press the slices gently together. Melt the butter (or to be truly Elvis-like, melt bacon fat!), over low heat in a small frying pan. Place the sandwich in the pan and fry until golden brown on both sides. Eat it with a glass of buttermilk.

Please note: Elvis tended to eat 12-15 sandwiches a sitting! So belly up to the bar bitch!

Dear Fucker...

2005-08-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

So this whole blogging thing has been playing on my mind as of late. I've been cruising around looking at what other folks are writing about, just to sorta see how people use their blogs. Some of them use it as a very theraputic thing, working out all of their demons through writing, some just keep tract of happenings like a journal, and some just use it to entertain the masses. Some are extremely funny, and some... are just... schmegma. I realized several things while cruising around. Most of them about myself. I have changed... a whole lot. But, to be fair, when I was younger (not that Im old now damnit), but when I was between 18 & 25, and enjoying the rock and roll life... footloose and fancy free, I still wasn't the head case that most young people of that age group seem to be nowadays. What ever happened to people teaching their young to be responsible ( I dont mean square, I mean common sense)?

I haven't really decided if I want to "use" my blog in a certain way. I kind of like just posting willy nilly when the mood strikes, and about whichever topic is on my mind that day. I have no agenda, I just like venting my own thoughts in this way.. like another friend said... just changed from paper diary to electronic.

I love to read, and do so voraciously. I like the entertainment that some offer, and I like the insight that others seem to have a knack for writing about. The fluff... well.. I am sure there are many who thrive on empty headed , bubble brained blather - just not this chickadee. To me it is just sad, that with all of the advances in technology....there seems to be such a loss in the area of personal betterment and knowledge.

But hey.. these are just my opinions. And you know what they say about opinions right? Opinions are like assholes... everyone has one, and they usually stink.

Knuckle Draggin Retards

2005-08-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Like I said earlier this morning, the world is full of knuckle draggin retards... especially in the part of the world I currently live in. I am eternally frustrated by the morons who cut me off daily, trying to squeeze between my TRUCK, and the other vehicle in front of me... but silly me.. they think they can because I am the only one on the highway who doesn't tailgate! I actually leave *gasp* enough room between my vehicle and the next, just in case i have to slow down..quickly! Not to mention the gang-bangers that get a hair up their ass for no reason, and decided.. oooh.. lets just pick on a woman, and see if we can dive at her car with ours, and make her cry. They only do this to me when I drive my sportscar to work, which thankfully isn't so often anymore. The truck lets me know that I can take them out, if the need arises. Teehee. I've seen them pull out a gun, try and run me off the side of the road, actually succeed with drivers right in front of me. You name it.. I see it on my hour long commute each way. Not to mention that they are doing construction on the freeway (for 2 fucking years now), and our detour is through the heart of the ghetto. Great.

I think I mentioned this before, but one day last summer, I was driving in, and I stopped at a light. Now keep in mind, that in this ghetto, I pass drug dealers, gangs and whores, daily. There sitting on the curb was a crack whore.... obviously strung out, with the nastiest dirty clothes on smoking a cigarette, or should I say letting it hang by itself off of her lip. When she realizes that the traffic is stopped.. and windows are down, she starts yellin... "You want some of this... LOOK BITSCHHH (slurring of course)"... so I see in my rearview mirror that all of us are going to look... she pulls her legs up to her chest... along with her skirt... then spreads em for the whole road to see her nasty crackwhore self.... spreads herself wide and yells, "Now THATS what Im talkin about!" Cackling. Welcome to my world motherfuckers.

He loves me, he loves me not

2005-07-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
- Mae West

Spit or Swallow

2005-07-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

The topic for the day seems to be some variation of blowjobs. Whether is the informational assistance that we receive from the linked site... or in general discussions. I was going to refrain from making a comment, until I went down the hall to drop off some papers, and overheard the Psychology students discussing the merits of cocksucking. First, let me say that todays "youth" (and I use that lightely because I still consider myself to be young) seem to have no perception of appropriateness, or even that sex should mean something. It's like its just something they all do.. with everyone.. in front of everyone... and kinky? Whats that? But I digress.

They were all standing around talking about what it means if a "chick" spits or swallows.... and how lazy she is if she does. I actually cackled out loud at that one.... and the young studly geek swings and looks at me and I said first of all.. until you have sucked cock, and tasted one that wasn't such a treat.. lets not talk about lazy... unless of course you enjoy having balls across your chin and are just trying to pretend to be cool? He backed off....understandably.

So I then asked.. well why would you think that it means a woman is lazy? He went on about how well he meant to say it depended on how well they knew you.. and if they trusted you... blah blah *snore*. At this point a few noticed the glazed over look in my eye.... and I said.. you know.. you will do well in this business... bore the fuck out of me for an hour and still charge $100.

Tee Hee.

Then somehow they started talking about Clinton, and one guy said, "I just can't understand why the leader of the free world would hook up with a broad who doesn't swallow." Umm. Whoa. He went on with some blather about it, the girls laughing like the good little braindead twits they are, and the guys guffaw'ing mostly because the first dude is talking about cocksucking in public. What guy wouldn't chuckle at that? So I pipe up with, "you mean to tell me that the most common assumption for the stain on the blue dress is because Monica is a lazy cocksucker and didn't really want to swallow Bill Clintons Jizz? Or that perhaps she was SO lazy that she couldn't possibly spit it into something like a SINK... that she had to drool said jizz on herself? "

Of course, Junior Mint did not have a reply... and I just laughed in my wicked little way.... and just said quietly... perhaps you should try a more mature woman.. who knows what she wants, and then we can talk about cocksucking again.

*teehee* I love LOVE love being in my 30's.

PimpMe!

2005-07-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ok so I had to do this... it was one of those things that is too funny to NOT try. And once you start, it is very hard to stop putting in the names of all the people you know....

My pimp name is... "Sugartastic P. Ice"

Try yours.. and let me know what your Pimp name is :)

http://www.playerappreciate.com/pimphandle.asp

Why Me Lord?

2005-07-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

Well, today begins a new day of adventure in my household. You see, my step-daughter... my adult step daughter, moved back in quite unexpectedly yesterday. I am feeling a variety of emotions about it, and am trying to be positive about the whole experience. I wasn't blogging back when I first moved here and got married, although I think it would have been very theraputic for me at the time. Sometimes I cannot believe how fast time has gone by, and other times I feel like I've been here for freakin ever! My step daughter was very against her father being happy. After all, shouldn't his life completely revolve around what she and her brother want every.single.minute? She was not just pouting and behaving like a spoiled child. She was 18 going on 19, and declared full out war. She slammed doors, stole everything she could from me, even stupid things like when I would take out meat from the freezer for dinner and leave it thawing while I was at work... she would invite someone over and cook it during the day just to spite me. Ohhh yessss sports fans, Pammy was a happy camper. I was very gracious, and trying to be understanding, and quite frankly, had they been small children who were missing their mom, I would have been even more understanding. But the truth was, he was a single dad for 10 years before he married me, and one was an adult while the other was 16. Come on.

I tried reasoning, I tried talking, there were punishments (and believe me I AM consistent), and every other sane thing I could come up with. I feared being the typical "evil step parent", and I resented that she was trying to mess with my marriage right from the beginning. My husband and I had been married for 4 months, and during that time we had not been out alone together once. We planned a night out, dinner and movie etc, and had a great time. We got home at 11:30pm to find that the exorcist had taken over my step daughter. "How dare you take her out and not me?! How dare you leave me alone? You can't love her AND me, it has to only be one of us!? My response? *SLAP* Snap the fuck outta it!

Heeehee.. hohoHA!

It was much deserved, and quite timely, and it did shut her up. It did not, however, do very good things for my husband. You see, he has trouble remembering that she is a grown woman, and sees her as this helpless little girl (that manipulated the fuck out of him when her mother left them). And she has made sure that he has paid dearly. Every minute that she is in the house has to be about her. If there is a conversation going on, about anything, even serious issues, she will butt in and immediately go, "uh yeah, but about me.... blah blah blah". Very annoying.

The last time she lived with us, she was told that she had to go and be responsible for herself. Get a job, pay her rent, and be productive. This of course, came after a run in with me, and her father had (thankfully) had enough. I had been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, and it turned our lives upside down. My OB was amazing and had me scheduled for surgery within 10 days of diagnosis. That was the worst 10 days of my life. Of course my husband was strong and completely focused with me on overcoming this, and it took away his attention from my step daughter. He went to work as usual during those days, but I was at home, alternating between stressing the hell out and trying to get lots done before my 6-8 week recovery time from surgery. This was the time that she decided that she could get me to "finally" react, and do something so aggregious that her father would make me leave. Anyone who knows anything about cancer and about surgery, knows that the key is to lower the stress. Not this spawn of my husbands loins. Nooo. Here I was in a strange country, without any family or support, without my best friend... hell without A friend, and I was going through this. Will's had to be drawn up, calls were made, wishes were written down. You name it, I did it.

The day before my surgery was D-Day. The day my well laid plans to remain respectable came to an end. Before that day I was the commander of my own emotions, and not once did I waiver. I was the most bitchin step mom ever! I rocked bitches! *sigh* But I digress. I woke up anxious, because they would not know the extent of my cancer until they went in, and I was a wreck. I stayed in our room, and just turned on music, laid in the jacuzzi and tried to relax. My mistake was going down to the kitchen to get some water to drink. She was there, and she was not happy that she was being ignored. She walked by me, between me and the island, while Im getting water and her sole purpose for this was to shoulder me... trying to get me going. I Put my glass down slowly in the sink, backed away while she spit fireworks out of her ass and calmly said... 'today would not be a good day to try this, because today, I will meet you there, and I will knock your teeth down your throat. You choose." I turned to go back upstairs, and I get pushed from behind and "FUCK YOU!" yelled at me. 10, 9, 8, 7, (hold my breath) 6, 5, " what are you gonna do about that bitch?" 4, 3,2,1. I turned and just said between clenched teeth... back off. BAM, pushes again and raised a fist, and thats when pammy blacked out, saw red, the fuse reached capacity. All I know is that she ended up on her ass, in the middle of the floor.. holding both her nose and her ass.... and I was standing over her with my foot on her chest, screaming like a banshee at her to not move or I would make sure she couldn't get up again. I picked up the phone, dialed my unsuspecting husband, and when he picked up... "You better come get your fucking daughter before I kill her. NOW!" I think he drove the 40 miles in record time, and it was a reckoning that I am sure she didn't count on. And I ... was not very proud.

For now, I am trying to be positive, and remain calm. I'll keep you posted.

Hello Pinocchio!

2005-07-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a friend that you thought the world of, respected highly and admired, only to find out that in the end they have been more dishonest than the average joe, because its been an intentional campaign to lie to you? Honesty is a perception thing. It all depends on what your personal definition is. We all either lie by omission, or tell those "oh its in their best interest" lies, and I am not talking about that. I am talking about when two people take the time to become friends, and move past the acquaintance stage to share deeply personal and intimate details of our lives. To laugh and share and cry and just be able to "fellowship" with each other. And then you find out that no... the other person isn't realllllly like that, ha HA! the jokes on you!

I discovered several things in the past few days, completely by accident mind you and completely on my own without the malicious aid of some backstabbing asshole who just wants to cause shit (you know the kind Im talking about). At first I was like hmm.. well.. isnt that interesting. Kinda irked, but not necessarily enough to say something. After all, I am a big believer in people having the right to do as they see fit, so long as it doesn't directly affect me. I am also a very loyal friend who knows how to keep her mouth shut, and when to give a kick in the pants when deserved. Oh yeah, and I would never let a girlfriend go out in an outfit that made her arse look 12 axehandles wide, no matter how much she loved the material! After a couple of days of mulling it over, I just had to write about it. This person doesn't know what I have discovered, and I am not even sure that it is worth it now to try and go beyond this hurt, because we have been down this road before. We have discussed boundaries and friendship, and the issues that I discovered were questions asked directly before, and apparently lied to about. I know this all sounds mysterious and sinister, and I refuse to tell the name of my friend, because I have more class than that. But if you either hook me up with Matthew McConnaghy or tie me up with Wonder Woman's Truth Rope, I could be broken. :)

I am a detail person. I always pay attention to them, and I always am very thorough with anything I do. So my motto is, if you are gonna lie and don't want to look like a fool... don't do it around me. It's not honesty that is the issue so much as it is the trust that gets broken when someone decides to intentionally be an ass. I know that I personally have had a lot of people either misunderstand who I am, or just assume that I am something based on a comment I have made, or a rumor someone else has started. I don't play that game either. I will always come to you if I have a concern, and you matter to me. I am also pretty approachable if you want to ask me something as well. I just personally don't hang my shit out for people to take potshots at a whole lot.

As for my "friend".. I only have this advice.

You must exercise the most extraordinary integrity, because you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. You are better than this.

Poseys

2005-07-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

I have been a gardening freak this year. It's like everything I see I want to plant around the property somewhere. And really, if you like to work in the soil, it is so comforting. With the humidity and the heat, it makes everything grow at hyper speed it seems. The magnolia tree that started out 3 summers ago, at 3 feet high, is now about 15 feet high and blossoming like crazy. I love it!

I also have pink hydrangea, periwinkle hydrangea, both pink and red hibiscus, amaryllis, 5 kinds of lillies, 3 kinds of daffodils hollybush hedges, and various kinds of green and/or flowering shrubs. I also discovered the Angel Trumpet vine that grows all over the place here, with the most delicious looking orange/red trumpet flowers! I'm getting that to climb my trellis now. My blackberries are growing fat and juicy, and and .. maters are the size of grapefruits!

The top left is wisteria... need I say more. Its just dreamy and romantic. *sigh*. The top right is a magnolia blossom. When did I become Martha?

Out! Damned Spot!

2005-06-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

I spent some time on the weekend, just reflecting back on fun or interesting times long ago. Ok ok! I confess, I spent the time reflecting because my self induced marguerita haze made it so that my legs could not move my arse up off the patio to do anything else. It was fun though, remembering the psychotic episodes of certain family members, and all the hilarity I have had at their expenses. It's really not my fault that I was born with this sense of humor, and the lightening fast sadistic streak impulse that races through my body and sits on my shoulder in little demon Vixx form purely to egg me on to make fun of the batshit insane, or just fatally stupid people that surround me. It's not my fault... really. I just really happen to love those hysterical times where the good angel says, "*gasp* oh no we must not laugh at your sister while she slipped off the curb and broke her ankle, even though shes laying there with her skirt above her head and you don't know yet if she is seriously hurt", only to have the demon pull the strings on your lips and you find yourself standing on the sidewalk, mouth agape and you hear some maniac laughing fiendishly "heee ho ho ho oooh gawd my guts hurt... bwahahaha", and you suddenly realize that it is YOU!

What struck my fancy as being so funny, this past weekend... was remembering when my mother was in the hospital about 10 years ago for colon cancer surgery. After hanging out in the waiting room with my two sisters, my mother's best friend, my useless step father (at the time) and my father, and watching the two men have this silent pissing contest for 4 hours, we were allowed to go in and see her 3 at a time. My two sisters and I went first, and if you knew the heirarchy of the family, you would know that I am the strong one, to do'er, the one to go to when you need someone who will not only have a super duper fun plan in place... but also the nuts to follow through. So there we are, at her bedside, she in all her drug induced glory passing in and out of consciousness, being the attentive well behaved daughters that she always wanted. I went to her side, stroking her hair, "momma, we love you and we are here when you wake up". This got a couple of twitches from her, so the other two came up on the other side and proceeded to just talk and stroke her arm.

Well. Why did we not know that morphine and my mother are not a good combination? She started flailing and striking out with her arms, at the same time moaning because she was moving and it HURT! Suddenly her eyes opened wide... I'm talking bug-eyed, shit house rat crazy looking, stared straight at me while my hand is on her arm trying to calm her, and she screeched in that lovely exorcist way, "OUT DEMONS...LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!"

My two rosebud sisters crumpled and started bawling in shock, not really knowing what to do, but figuring something must really be wrong with our mother. Me? I threw my head back with both hands on my hips and started roaring laughing! It was so priceless. And deep down, we all know that my dear, sweet, God fearing mother waited 30 years to tell one of her children how she really felt. I was never offended... no, dear hearts. Because since I was the sweet and pure (dont choke now) age of 15, I knew that one day, they all would be fodder in a book that I would write.

Haaa haaa,.. heee ho ho ho gawd my guts hurt! Bwahahaaha!

Cursed!

2005-06-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

I think that I must be cursed. Either that or I was a motherfucker in my last life. I have been living in the US now for 4.5 years, and have literally not had one moment of peace. Drama! It seems to be the way things are done down here. Between health issues in my own family and my outlaws, it seems that everyone loves wallowing in their own shit and have not realized that living stress free makes for a happy MsVixx. Seriously.. what in the hell is wrong with these people?!

Just since January we have dealt with my father having serious surgery, my sister's husband leaving her for another woman, my step-son joining the army, my step-daughter causing shit every other fucking week, my father-in-law getting a divorce and then promptly shacking up with a new Exorcist before its even final, a close friend's 22 yr old daughter going missing and then eventually discovered murdered in a nasty BDSM/Satanic ritualistic manner by a co-worker she had met 5 days before going missing, my step daughter deciding that she's a lesbian this year and shaving her head bald and binding her breasts, and just last week my mother having a heart attack. Can I get a break please?

I need a vacation... a serious one. Not one where I'm going to a wedding or a funeral... but one away from it all. I'll be the one sipping martinis on the beach with my eyes closed k? oh ick.. no martinis... margueritas.. yeah that's the ticket. Can you hear the surf yet?

Dreams

2005-05-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

So I had the dream again. It has been a long long time since I last had the dream, but it still has the power to leave me shaking and in a sweat.

I am playing on the lawn on the side of our very old house in St. John. It is kind of a run-down place to say the least. Dad had brought us here to be around him while he worked... again... but like before, he moved us into some shithole while he was out banging half of the female population. This was the summer that I decided in all of my 5 yrs of wisdom, that I no longer wanted to be called by my real name. So I became Christine. I refused to answer to anything but that, which of course drove my mother to fits.

That year winter came very early, the wind howling and cold off of the Atlantic. I remember playing on the side lawn, with my older sister... just itching to slide down the looooong hill. Mom had threatened us to within an inch of our lives not to go down that hill, because the main highway was at the bottom.

The other kids in the neighborhood all started to sled down the hill, and of course it made us want to all the more. All of the parents seemed on edge, like something was in the air making everyone tense. My sister decided she would try a little run with the other kids, and I watched, looking out for mom. All went well and she zipped right back up the hill in no time, so I thought.. I'M NEXT! Grabbed the crazy karpet, and zoom away I went. Suddenly I see this white truck, slowing down to a stop at the bottom of the hill. All I can feel is sheer blind panic.. something about it scaring me. I'm trying to dig my feet into the snow to stop myself and then finally throwing myself sideways.... the uncontrollable fear and need to get back to the top of the hill overtaking me.

Clawing frantically at the snow, trying to climb back up, but for every step I take... I slide down two more. Screaming for my sister to save me, crying... sobbing... begging. My strength gone, I slide all the way to the bottom, to the ditch.... and there waiting is a man. A big scary man, and I can't see his face, but he grabs me, and I scream out to my sister again.... "SAVE ME!". Fast forward to spring, and the water is thawed, the snow is gone, and the birds are singing, and I am looking down at a pond, at myself.... and I am cut up into cubes and floating in the pond.

And then I wake up screaming.

I found out after about 3 years of this dream every night, that at the same time I started having these dreams, there was a man in the area, with a white truck, kidnapping young girls my age, and sexually molesting them, then cutting them up. Also, the part of my dream where I am at the hill with my sister sledding, was apparently true, and there was the white truck, and I did slide down and have a lot of trouble coming back up, but my mother heard me screaming and came to the rescue. I cannot remember it as being real, all I recall is the terror of the dream. The rest I have blocked out, and it only comes back to me in my dream. I stopped being "Christine" that winter.

I don't like the feeling it leaves me with.... at all.

Oh, M'Gawd!

2005-04-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

Has the whole US of freakin A lost their minds? Can they no longer use the brains that God so graciously gifted them with? How many more injustices must happen, before common sense, and the need to protect children kick in. I just read this... and I am still flabbergasted. Come on people... wake the fuck up.

"Michael Jackson Endorses Cardinal Bernard Law for New Pope."

Embattled pop star Michael Jackson told a Los Angeles Times reporter at Johnnie Cochran’s funeral this week that he (Jackson) strongly supports the papal candidacy of Bernard Law, who was forced to resign in disgrace as archbishop of Boston two years ago because he had protected sexually abusive priests.

"Archbishop Law is a man of great sensitivity and learning,” said Jackson. “I came to know him well when he attended several sleepovers at Neverland ranch. He was kind enough to hear confessions for the catholic boys and their parents who were my guests.”

I can only shake my head in disbelief. Partially that this freak has not been taken down yet for being a repeat pedophile, but then again we must be PC and not offend the african american community. HELLO! He's preying on the young, and the parents that keep letting their kids go to his place.. need one right between the eyes. 357 grains of pain relief. The other thing about it that makes me shake my head.. is the arrogance of the Freak to think that his opinion on who should be Pope really matters. The saddest part of it all, is that there are some fanatical fans out there.. who hang on his every word...and do as he wishes, ... and he's counting on it. They need to put his pansy ass in jail, with a roomie named Bubba, and let them settle on which one will be the bitch of the relationship. Seriously.

Notice my lack of comment about Cardinal Law? Come on! Sleepovers at a pedophiles house? With Children? Need I say more????

UNUSUAL SEX IN FOREIGN LANDS

2005-04-12T06:09:00.000-07:00

Is your lovemaking getting stale and unexciting? Perhaps you need to experiment with some of the oddly fascinating methods of sex play that people practice in foreign lands. The over-sexed, talented vixens at "Cosmopolitan" slapped together a summary of some of the more unusual and interesting things lovers do throughout the world. . . such as. . .

THE TINQUIAN PEOPLE OF THE PACIFIC ISLANDS:The Tinquians NEVER kiss their lovers on the mouth. They instead press their noses together and SNIFF for a few minutes. *awwww*

THE SIRIONO PEOPLE OF BOLIVIA:Lovers pick off lice and ticks from one another before getting close. This is considered FOREPLAY.

*gag*

THE HAUSA PEOPLE OF NIGERIA:The Hausa use the same exact word. . . ci (pronounced "chee"). . . for both eating and intercourse. When a woman says she's ready for "chee", it could mean she's ready for dinner or SEX. *Aha! wiley woman!*

THE PEOPLE OF PONAPE. . . IN THE EASTERN CAROLINE ISLANDS:These randy women place STINGING BUGS on their most intimate of areas. When the bugs bite, the venom causes a stinging sensation which turns the ladies on. (???) **wtf! not this chickadee!*

THE PEOPLE OF SAMOA IN THE PACIFIC ISLANDS:When lucky Samoan men feel the need for a naughty Samoan "release", they go "night crawling". . . these guys actually sneak into the tent of a sleeping female, and try to have relations with her WITHOUT WAKING HER UP. **sounds like a few married couples I know! LOL**

THE AYMARA PEOPLE OF PERU:During certain ceremonial celebrations, amorous couples go into the street and make the beast with two Peruvian backs for all the town to see!!!

*voyeurism at it's finest!*

HAWT

2005-04-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

http://paparazzo.globo.com/PPZ/0,,ZA0-4159-23931-23933-23935-2393823933,00.html

Whew! Happy Friday

Random Idiots

2005-04-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

March 31, 2005

SAN DIEGO -- The hunt is on for a turd burglar. Police in San Diego are searching for a gunman who swiped a bag of poop from a woman out walking her dog.

The woman told police that she was out walking her dog, Misty, on Monday night when a man in his 20s ran up behind her and grabbed the bag she was holding.
----------------------------------------

**HA! Yes, they printed TURD BURGLAR in the newspaper. Is it just me that finds this hysterical?

Apparently important to actor Robert Blake's acquittal on a murder charge in March was the lack of credibility of the prosecution's witnesses, including an alleged methamphetamine abuser who once thought his house was surrounded by large, horned animals and "people dressed like sagebrush or Joshua trees." To testify that drug users are unreliable witnesses, the defense presented a UCLA psychopharmacologist who revealed that in the course of his own drug use 25 years ago, he had once crawled into a cage of monkeys that were smoking crack cocaine. [Los Angeles Times, 3-4-05]

---------------------------

**DOH!

Tennessee state Sen. John Ford testified in a juvenile court hearing in January that his child support payments should be reduced, in accordance with a state law that he had introduced on behalf of fathers with many children. Ford owns two homes, lives part-time in one with his ex-wife and their three children (with another on the way), and lives part-time in the other with an ex-girlfriend and their two children. Hence, he said, he should have lesser payments to a third woman, who is the mother of his 10-year-old daughter. [Associated Press, 1-23-05]

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** Yes, Boys & Girls, this man lives here in Buttcrack. Just another example of how the city is run.

Government in Action

Public Servants in Action: (1) New Hampshire state Rep. Christopher Doyle, 26, was arrested in March and charged with slapping elections supervisor Gail Webster, 61, to the floor on election night after learning that he had lost his race for town selectman in Windham. (2) Shirley Martin, a member of the school board in West Orange, Texas, was convicted in February of disorderly conduct for threats against colleague Beth Wheeler. At a meeting, Martin had continued speaking after her colleagues had ruled her out of order, and subsequently Martin angrily told Wheeler, "I'm going to stomp a mud hole in your ass." [The Union Leader (Manchester, N.H.), 3-11-05, 3-18-05] [Beaumont Enterprise, 2-25-05]

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**I'll have to remember that insult. Apparently in Texas thats reaaaaalllly bad. tee hee.

Belly Interesting

2005-04-01T06:09:00.000-08:00

I was wandering around and found this.. check it out, it can be quite fun!

My japanese name is "Nakamura (center of the village) Ayumi (walk, deeper meaning: walk your own way)

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/969/

Hello... McFly!

2005-03-11T05:59:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I've commented on stupid people news stories, but after last night's evening news broadcast I cannot resist. If natural selection was indeed allowed to play out, I am guessing neither of these stellar members of my community would exist. Is there any wonder I despise Buttcrack?

Moron #1 – This grandmother was in her home, along with her 11-year-old grandson who lived with her, when a fire broke out. The fire demolished the woman's house as well as her neighbor's home and severely damaged a second neighboring house on the other side. 12 people are now homeless. The grandson started the fire by playing with a lighter on the mattress his grandmother was sleeping on. When she awoke, she reacted by trying to shove the mattress outside. It got stuck in the doorway, thus the whole house went up.You might think that is the stupid part. Actually, my favorite part of the story was the grandmother's interview on the broadcast last night. And I quote, "He always play wit matches and lighters. He always startin' fires. I guess he likes da smell or sumthin'. I doan know wat his problem is." Beautiful. Despite the fact that this kid obviously had some serious problems that were ignored, I guess 15 minutes of fame is more important than a liability suit. Then again, $20 says they don't have insurance.

Moron #2 – My personal favorite. A woman was arrested this week on felony child abuse and neglect charges. You see, earlier in the day she had gone to Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court for a custody fight, presumably to argue that she is a good and fit mother. And where was her 6-month-old daughter while she was in court? A police officer noticed her locked in Mom's car in the parking lot.

Moron #3 - I could go on and on about this lovely idiot.. er piece of work.. er honorable Mayor of our illustrious city, however his own words speak volumes. And I quote... "The only way to institute change, is when the education of the white students in the surburbs is affected."

Nuff Said.

To think, we have laws to protect people like this from themselves. Nothing like diluting the gene pool.

And Then There's Maude...

2005-03-10T11:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have been giving more thought to Pimp Daddy Kish. Isn’t that a great little nickname? I know, I’m so precious I can’t stand myself. So anyway, I was thinking about some stuff he told me.. that he lived on a beach and loved going out and sitting by the water at night and thinking.. just him and the stars. Sounds decadent doesn’t it? So then I started asking about his home, and his book library, and the décor etc… and well he again was elusive.

In my mind’s eye it was one of those beautiful boutique looking villa’s, you know the kind with the stone walls and the ceramic tiles, and the erotically sculpted trees out front that look like an altar to the phallus gods? Really hip in a silent but deadly filthy stinking rich kinda way? And since he is The Sultan… his master bath would of course be all done in glass so that he could be the King of all he surveys while he sits on the toidy in a half frosted half clear glass bathroom, doing the peek-a-boo poop and pee thing. Totally uncool to us girl folk, but men dig BM stuff. But his design totally makes up for that gross design contretemps with a made-for-porn six-nozzle shower that gives better rim jobs than most porn stars.

What I really wanna know though, is how someone could live in this kind of luxury, and and still almost get run over by a herd of cows???? WTF does he live that cows are on his beach??!

And then there was the incident about wearing a dress…. But I will continue with that juicy tidbit at another time. For now, I am pondering whether or not he really is a porn star.

To be continued….

Curiouser Georgette

2005-03-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

I was giving my mysterious 007 friend some more thought, and in between making me laugh, or making me more curious, he really is a good guy yanno? I still am left to wonder about some things though. For instance. Just recently, we had a complete discussion about menstration, and how all of his female friends are on the same cycle. He's a guy... and he even had a better gross out pms story!! Is he gay?? No.. definitely not gay.. and how I know this.. is just none of your beeswax. Is he a Pimp Daddy? Well that definitely has better possibilities than the gay angle, especially since he seems to always have someone of the female persuasion either hanging off him, calling him, trying to guilt trip him (thanks mom) or otherwise browbeat him into doing their bidding. Dumb heifers haven't learned yet that he is not one of "those" men. Tee hee.

I seriously think he should write a book about his mis-adventures. He is a wonderful writer, and wow can he make me laugh. It is a little scary to know though, that if I were born in some third world country where the moral and cultural expectations are a little different than North America (forgive Kentucky and Arkasas, they know not what they do), I could be his mother. *GASP*. His mother??? WTF? Ok thats not a thought process I even want to remotely entertain.

Back to being a PD though. That has some merit you know. He has money... and he has a lot of time. So.. his ho's could be doing the nasty and he is just collecting the reward. Yeah thats it. He's the Lothario... yes.... thats it... The Lethal Lothario of Brunei. Sultan's have a lot of ho's er women too yanno.

Curious George

2005-02-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have this friend that I have been talking to for years. Met on the internet, and have never met face to face. We have shared some pretty personal and private things with each other, good times and bad, and have developed a deep mutual respect for each other. Through it all he just maintains an aura of mystery... like you never fully know what he's thinking, or who he is. He has had so much go on in his life, that it makes complete sense as to why he maintains a sort of "arms-length" distance between everyone... including his family.

Anyhoo... I have this quirk about me.. where I always pay attention to people that matter to me. To what they think...and say... and feel.. and do. Shocking I know.. especially in this MEMEME! day and age. So over the years I have gathered some facts about him, and just the other day I was thinking about him for some reason, and I just started putting these facts together. Firstly, he is always around, not seeming to have to work. Travels when he pleases, and has seen the world. That combined with various comments leads me to believe he is independantly wealthy. Which could mean that he hit the jackpot and won the lottery, if it weren't for some comments and cultural proclivities that just your average ho.. er joe... would not have. Secondly, he is secretive... very very secretive. Kinda in the 007 Bond way thats both sexy and annoying as hell. He only gives you just enough information to whet your appetite, and then goes back to just making smiley faces 'n shit and then pretends "oh I fell asleep" when the questioning gets too close. And if you know me.. you know I'm. gonna. ask. Thirdly, I have seen pictures of him and have even seen him on cam, and his clothing sometimes is deceptively "westernized", but I have also seen him in robe-like apparel... so.. it leads me to think one of a few things.

Either my friend likes to wear womens dresses (robes), or he's a Prince.. yeah thats it. Better yet.. I have it!!! He's the Sultan of Brunei, and Im the next conquest~ *dreamy sigh*. oh shit, work calls... I'll have to think on this fantasy later! hehehe

Funnies

2005-01-25T09:32:00.000-08:00

Ok I found this too funny! Try it, see what happens!

http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/peephole/index.asp

Catching Up

2005-01-20T06:16:00.000-08:00

Well I made it through... somehow. I enjoyed having my family here, and seeing their familiar loving faces so much. I cannot believe how much my nieces and nephews have grown, or that it had been four long years since seeing them. Two of them have become adults now, and I must say that they are wonderful, level headed young people, and I couldn't be prouder. It was my first time meeting my older sisters husband, and I must say that it was a more pleasant surprise than I had expected.

There have been some issues surrounding him since day one. He is a diagnosed Paranoid Schitzophrenic, and suddenly one day the two of them decided (before they were married) that God was telling them that he should go off his lithium. Im not sure what the hell voices they were hearing or which one of them were hearing em, but trust me people.... they don't prescribe lithium for shits and giggles. There were issues with him being a horses ass to both my little sister and my father, so I was prepared. I laid it out to my sister before they even left... and told her that he didn't need to be coming to my home, and preaching at anyone in it, because I already know that Jesus loves me. And then I said my last piece on it, "I'm sure that a little walk and talk with me would enlighten him about where I stand, and its a longassed drive back to Canada."

I was delighted to discover that he has seen the error of his ways, and meds are a wonderful thing when taken as directed. And I was even more relieved that there were no ugly confrontations, but just a good loving, sharing time.... as it should be. Especially the part about sledding down my hill in my laundry basket. Bwahahaha! Oh the memories!

The only sour point was with my baby sister. Her husband called her just a few days before Christmas, and said that he had been having an affair and was in love with her, bub bye and you arent welcome at home. Nice. He was the last person that I would have ever thought would behave this way, and it completely devastated her. We literally had to beg and plead and finally got her a seat on a plane here, and she arrived Christmas day. My sister is the epitome of class and money, and would never be seen in public without hair, face, nails, shoes, and purse matching... let alone have a breakdown. So when I arrived at the airport, alone, to pick her up and she finally saw me, she completely dissolved. I knew then that she was going to need me like she has never needed anyone in her life. It was so good that we had all the family and especially the kids around, because she was able to laugh and cry and just be loved, and there is no other feeling like that. She even wore leggings and *gasp* didnt do her hair and makeup for two whole days. hehe.

She has been pretty fragile, and I had 3 weeks straight of non-stop phone calls at home and at work, staying up at all hours of the night when she woke up with dreams and just couldn't stop crying. I am really thankful that she was able to stay with me for 10 days before going back home, because I think that it helped her heal some... faster than being alone would have. She has hooked up with a great therapist who is really doing good things, and just yesterday my sister called and said....I can see the light now, I know I am going to be ok. YAY! OF course it will make it easier getting on her feet because they have miserable amounts of money and shes getting half. Its a pretty hollow feeling though, when all you want really, is your marriage back. I will never understand how he could have been so cruel as to tell her on friday how much he loved her and wanted to start a family in the spring, and then monday her life is forever changed. I am so proud of the woman she has become, and she is truly walking in grace with this.

Anyhoo... I was fiddling with Mapquest and just thought hey... how about I put my current address in and then the address of where I was born, and see what it tells me: I am now 2812.26 miles from where I started, 46 hours, 4 mins driving time and in a whole new country. Wow, how time changes things.

No More Sleeps!

2004-12-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

WOOT! I am so excited! Today my mother arrives from Canada to spend the next almost 3 weeks with me. We have both been silly and counting down how many sleeps were left until she got here, and today is the day! It has been almost 4 years since I saw my mother, and I can hardly wait. I have been cooking and cleaning and fixing up her room, and trying to make everything just right so that we can spend lots of time just being together. I have been so worried about her health, and of course since I am not near her as I have been all my life, I cannot just drop by and make sure everything is ok. I am looking forward to spoiling her... and having her around.

Im sure there will be lots to post soon... :)

ARGH

2004-12-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

Ok I am definitely not liking this whole allergy thing. This past couple of months has been a trip to say the least. I ended up in the Emergency room about 6 weeks ago, because my tongue and face was swelling like a blowfish and starting to cause my throat to swell shut in anaphalactic shock. For no apparent reason. I spent the whole weekend and an additional couple of days patiently taking the medication prescribed, only to end up having to be off work for a couple more days because I was puking my guts out. Seems the Doc forgot to give me the one med to help my tummy not be so upset. *eyeroll* I went to an allergy specialist, went through all of the testing for a bazillion allergins, found out some neat things, but in general he told me that this "condition" was not unusual here in Buttcrack, TN, and that basically whatever was affecting me was causing my vessels to be swollen OPEN. Add to that... that this whole blowfish look could happen without notice, several times over the next 6 months. Oh Joy.

This past weekend was another adventure with swelling. This time though, I was pre-armed with the drugs and Epi-pen, and could combat it immediately without first going the the She-Woman task of waiting it out until I can't take it anymore. I usually do this when I try to pretend that I'm made of "stronger stuff" and don't NEED to go to the hospital. In my own defense, I am wonderfully healthy, and never end up with sniffles and or other things that usually plague most people. I don't take pills except for my BCP, and the occasional Tylenol, and so I don't take being sick very easily. This is just such bad timing for me too. I know that I have been stressing too much about the whole Holiday time... with all of the people coming, but man I just don't need this.

For now I will leave you with this.... it made me smile. Little things do entertain me!

http://te-be.ru/pics/flash/ilike.swf

2004-12-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

Stress Management

2004-11-30T07:25:00.000-08:00

Ok so I found two perfect solutions to relieving ones self of stress. I practiced both of these this morning, and after laughing myself silly, I thought I would share them both. Careful now... you may have too much fun. Happy PreHump Day!

http://www.dittie.com/flash/tamponbowling.htm

http://www.limmy.com/playthings/xylophone/

P.S. when using the xylophone, you can change colors for different tones. go ahead, let your wild side loose. *snicker*

K.I.S.S.

2004-11-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

Yes peeps... Keep It Simple Stupid. This year for Thanksgiving, I decided to quite bitching and moaning about being away from all of my family, and just enjoy a simple time with my husband, my father-in-law, and my step-daughter. Instead of busting my ass to perform the most amazing culinary feats imaginable, I made a plan, constructed a menu for the 12 days they were visiting, and kept it so that the hostess (Moi) could make it through without becoming an alcoholic. I mean really, just because I love the holidays, what in the sam hell is the purpose of me having to make a Super Martha Stewart Holiday Extravaganza Spiced Minced Super Duper Over The Top Broasted With Rare Eritrean Spices And Exclusive Napa Valley Wine And Appetizers To Die For Oh My Gawd! I mean really.

The only thing I did stick to this year was that I refuse to become one of the sheep that get lured to malls and stores at some ungodly hour of the morning.... just to watch grown folks make complete and utter asses of themselves just to save a couple of bucks. I've been done with my Christmas shopping for a while.. thank God... and so I stayed home, puttering and making homemade soup, watching DVD's and just enjoying each other's company.

I think Ill make sure Christmas is that way too. Except I know Im going to need a marguerita or three to handle my sister.

No Sense at All

2004-11-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

Personally I find the various reactions to President Bush's re-election quite humorous. I have been reading and listening and watching, as I have all through the campaign, and it never ceases to amaze me how far people can go with their heads up their ass. The ones that amuse me the most are those that either have an agenda of their own, or are just too ignorant to investigate for themselves and are all pissed off about something they know very little about.

The cheese eating surrender monkeys in France have their shit in a knot because.. gee... they just might be held accountable for their compliance with the Oil For Food business, and because now they won't be able to make decisions for Kerry about the wellbeing of this country. And lets not forget the extreme people that tell the Europeans to shove it up their asses and that if it wasn't for the USA... they would all be speaking German.

The gay and lesbian community is overwhelmingly depressed and feels betrayed that 11 states voted that marriage is defined as between 1 man and 1 woman. And somehow this is all Bush's fault too for being a Christian, and having moral values. They feel that this has somehow set back the whole movement. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against anyone that wants to uphold a union that takes one shitload of work to keep happy and strong, and keep those moral values that should accompany it.

There are even some democrats shouting that the election was once again stolen. That those early exit polls were right, and that when the actually numbers from voting stations came in... they were stolen and then given in Bush's favor. WTF is this Star Trek?

I keep seeing these commentaries about how bad off we are going to be, all doom and gloom. And the Hollywood people and gays wanting to move to Canada. Puhlease. They don't want your pitiful whining asses up there either. In Canada you have even less entitlement than you think you do here. Sure we may have one Province that ok's gay marriage, and there is that whole medicinal pot smoking issue... but you also have little issues like IMMIGRATION to go through before you can live wild and free. I guess though, that has become the mantra... when you don't get your way.. stomp your feet and run. The reason that other countries are coming out against Mr. Bush.. is because they know that if he says it.. he will do it. You would think that over all... that would be a more comforting thought than... "oh yes I will.. no I wont.. er yes... no... maybe?"

People are Strange

2004-11-01T06:06:00.000-08:00

I had a very interesting weekend. M and I got home on Friday after work to find his brother and wife in our driveway. Totally unexpected or announced, and very much welcome. When I met my sister-in-law (R) for the first time, a mere 7 days after our wedding, I knew immediately that she was someone that would be in my life forever... no matter what. I love her to pieces, and the feeling is mutual. We laugh and cry and make fun of people and are like 2 peas in a pod.

Anyway, we decided that we wanted to head down to the casino's and play the slots etc for a while, and just all let our hair down. We get there and R & I head off to cause mischief while the boys took their gambling venture a tad more seriously. We kept hitting little wins, $20 or $30 but nothing big, but hell we were ahead and laughing our asses off. I always pay attention to what is going on around me, and who is near me etc. I noticed this lady about 6 chairs down, hunched over the machine, eyes glazed, sipping something toxic looking, and fingers yellowed from serious smoking. She just kept feeding the machine with bills, and I wondered how long she had been there. Here I was with my $20 in quarters thinking I hit it big when I won $20 back, and we would keep playing... but I knew that's all I was going to buy. Finally the bells and whistles go off, and she hit the jackpot winning $2500. Let me tell you that I would have been hootin and hollerin like I was a millionaire, but she just sat there and said, "well I can pay the rent still". Spoken like a true addict. When she got her money... she just strolled a few chairs over and sat down again.

R and I were off and running to the nickel slots... wooot... big time spenders we were. My money that I invested was paid back, and we came out a few hundred ahead, had a wonderful time playing and laughing.....but I still wonder if the rent ever really did get paid.

It reminded me hugely of my dead brother-in-law. He was an addict too, only of a more deadly kind. But the behavior and look was the same. And I am sure that her family are just as affected as we all were... after all... someone had to step up and take care of my sister and the 4 kids.

And pay the rent.

You might be a Canadian if....

2004-10-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
You know Toronto is not a province.
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine. "
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

Fed Up

2004-10-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I am going to quit my job. It's such a freeing and scary feeling all at the same time. I have always been a great employee (toot toot), and have prided myself in being good at what I do, as well as always going above and beyond the call of duty. Growing up in Canada, and having my work ethic developed there through not only example of my parents, but the sheer fact that if you don't work.... and do it well.... you just won't have a job to worry about. None of this pansy assed PC crap, no free pass because of your color or heritage or gender. For those of you that know me, you can probably guess how many times I have had to bite my tongue and not just blurt my thoughts and feelings out, or how many times I have just had to walk away before my facial expression gave me away. Too many to count. I am extremely organized and thorough, mostly out of learning to CYA. Cover Your Ass. I am always courteous to people, and respectful of my boss or their authority.... but there comes a time in life where you just cannot allow anyone... especially someone with an agenda to treat you like you are the red headed step child and are somehow less than.

Yesterday was that day for me. I could bore with the details, lets just suffice it to say that Cruella made the wrong decision to try and embarrass me in front of 6 co-workers over an issue that had nothing whatsoever to do with me or my work, but was solely her responsibility. I sat there, stunned for a moment... and in a flash my decision was made. Sometimes you have to say what the fuck. In your lifetime people will come and go, husbands, boyfriends, children grow and leave, people die.... all you truly have in life is your integrity, and if you compromise that you have lost. I was livid, but thats a good thing. I was so angry I was deadly calm. You know that good indignant place where you calmly lay someone open without getting all weepy n shit. Thankfully I have a husband with a great job that gives me the ability to make that choice without being held back in fear, however yesterday was an affront to me personally, and I would have made that choice regardless. I have spoken with the Big Cheese already this morning, and informed them that I will be giving notice, and explained why. Within an hour I had an offer to stay with a pay increase. Sorry, money does not buy my integrity.

So, now I'm looking ahead at something new. I am actively looking for new work. And considering when I will give my written notice and how long I will be here. I don't know when I will be done, because I do have class, and I will train someone new. I am looking forward to what may lie ahead. Perhaps I will follow my heart and start my own business.. who knows.... the future is mine.

Tick Tock

2004-10-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my nieces and nephews, and the wonderful times we had being silly when they were smaller and we lived in the same city. Perhaps my biological clock is going crazy... after all I am getting old you know. When I was 29 and my big milestone birthday was looming, all of my family and friends started their sympathy calling about 2 months in advance. "Ohhhhh are you ok? How are you doing... you know... with THE big birthday coming?" In truth, it didn't bother me in the least. It still doesn't. I love being in my 30's, and I didn't feel the need to have a nervous breakdown just because I was turning 30. They all fretted and worried enough for ten people, so why bother.

I know that I have always loved children, and have always wanted to be able to be a mother and have some of my very own.... today's world though, scares the bejeezus out of me. Does that stop me from wanting? No. Maybe I will have to give this some thought soon, seeing as how it is finally something I am aware of as a woman... in her mid 30's. My oldest niece is now going on 23, and I can remember her birth like it was yesterday. All of her childhood antics are still fresh in my mind, I mean hell I was only 14 when she was born...still a child myself. I have some very special memories of her because she and I were always so close, and I am so proud of the wonderful, kind-hearted and gracious beautiful young lady she has become.

I also know this... my little Irish mother is more concerned that I will be an Old Maid, and leave her without any new little babies to spoil. The round of "OMG you have been married almost 4 years... aren't you pregnant YET!" calls have begun again. Somehow I don't think my snappy retort that I used with her last time will work again. "Ma.. if you want a baby so bad again, how about YOU get knocked up?". Newp... I don't think it will work again. Then again I start reading the medical data that comes through my office with all of the STD and HIV statistics here in the South, and I think.. omg.. what child needs to be brought into this crap? I seriously think that if I were to get pregnant, I would have to leave the south. I refuse to bring a child up in the second most ignorant state in the union as far as education, not to mention the insane racism and attitudes. As if a child doesn't have enough of a struggle just learning life lessons.. they don't need that too.

Ok I just realized I am ranting, and sounded very much like my mother in my head.

I think I can.... I think I can

2004-10-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven't always been so gracious and complimenting about living here in this shithole... er Memphis. I have tried to see the positive parts instead of the negative parts...and trust me, I have looked.. but I always seem to end up on the short end of the stick. Coming from Canada, I guess that I was one of the many who fell for the whole "Gone With The Wind" kind of polite, southern charm image of the south. Boy was I wrong.

Being a musician, I was so excited about the prospect of living someplace that literally is one of the foundations of blues and southern gospel. I was so excited about investigating small little places that are rich in history and music. I was stoked about perhaps joining a local band even... and seeing where that would lead. Both times that I tried out... I was asked on the phone to give a sample of my voice ... so I sang a lil ditty. Both times.. 'oh wow... you have a great sound'. Then came the ominous voice.. "um... are you white or african american?". I'm white... does it really matter? "Sorry, you have a great voice, but the wrong color." WRONG COLOR??? *sigh*. I guess this part of the country really hasn't progressed as much as they should. SO ok... maybe I can just enjoy some of the local flavor and LISTEN to the great sounds I hear. But noooo... I'm asked to leave because it is a place for 'black folk" only. Jesus... I moved to Memphis... I didn't realize that I went back in time and the roles were reversed? Don't they realize that I didn't grow up around this crap? Can't they see in my aura or smell my attitude and see that I'm really not a redneck or bigot or racist?

I even saw a black man pushing a stroller with the cutest little twin girls, and when I stopped to look and coo at the precious little ones (those of you that know me know I ADORE children), his wife came running over and snatched them away giving me the death look like I was trying to steal their children. I just looked at her and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you have the most beautiful babies." This got me a look saying "FREAK!".

Then I get a job... FINALLY out and about meeting people.. maybe I can find a girlfriend and just settle in and enjoy it here. Two weeks into my job, a co-worker came in and closed my door and said "Can you stop working so hard, you are making me look bad. And I KNOW its because you are white and I am black". Um hello assbag... I'm from Canada... the land where if you don't work hard... someone WILL fire your unentitled ass, and there are 30 people waiting in line to replace you. Ok so obviously finding a friend at work is a no go. I trudge home hoping that I will meet some great outgoing gal in my neighborhood. Instead I have a note in my mailbox, inviting me to "ladies tea". I go... all excited and antsy. I get there, and pretty much it was the well hairsprayed, manicured, spackled on makeup'd, perfectly coiffed matrons of the neighborhood... not one even within 20 years of my age... taking it upon themselves to to berate me for having the audacity to ride my own riding lawnmower... and mow my own lawn.

Fastforward to last night. There I sat, eyes glued to the television set, watching the weather radar because once again we were under a Severe Tornado/Thunderstorm watch. All night I was there because they kept having tornados touch down to the east, to the north and to the west of me. 3 people died just minutes north of me. I have decided, I would rather have the snow. This shit is for the birds.

I'm still looking for that one good thing about Memphis. I haven't found it. Not.one.thing.

Alcohol Warning Labels

2004-10-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

I have a very low tolerance for asshole alcoholics. I have no trouble with people that can handle what they drink... and are happy-go-lucky people. I do have a seriously low tolerance for people who have to have liquid courage in order to become the supreme asshole they barely keep hidden when they are sober. It comes from growing up with an alcoholic father, who when drinking conveniently forgot that he had a family... and that his children would be scarred by his cruel words. Anyway... these made me laff :)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a pig off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Post HumpDay Quiz

2004-10-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

1. What is yourmost embarassing sexual moment?

2. If you had to be spanked or spank, which would you choose?

3. What's your weirdest kink? Come on, seriously, you've got weirder than THAT, you know you do...

4. What's hotter, hard core or soft core?

5. Clothes on or clothes off?

*grin*

Hump Day Quiz

2004-10-13T14:11:00.000-07:00

Today's topic du jour: voyeurism and exhibitionism

1. Given the resources and the guarantee your mom would never find out about it, would you do any of the following: a) pose nude tastefully, b) be a stripper, or c) be a porn "star".

2. Does the idea of being seen in public naked or partially clothed or partially exposed or some other variation turn you on? Why or why not?

3. Have you ever watched (or heard) two other people have sex (as a non participant)? Yes, college counts. Did it turn you on? Again, why or why not. We suppose mom and dad count too, but EW.

4. If you could watch any two people in the world have sex, who would you choose? You can go ahead and pick a setting too if you like.

5. Guys: do you other check out other guys' junk while peeing? Girls: do you check out other girls' bodies in the locker room?

CHOP CHOP

Random Thoughts

2004-10-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that female gymnasts never get camel toe? Or nuclear wedgies; either the leotards are specially engineered not to crawl into moist places, or the girls themselves are neuters. (I'm more inclined to believe the former.) They're all compact, boyish hipped waifs, looking slightly anorexic with chalk covered hip bones and breasts.. where are their breasts?? Can you imagine if the women's gymnastics team was comprised of big, voluptuous earth mamas with huge tits and errant pubic hairs? It would be a lot more fun to watch.

With all this talk of breasts, I hope I don't cause this blog to resemble some kind of supergirly knitting-and-dildos site. (You know the kind; some stitch witch in Olympia, Washington makes homemade kneesocks and beeswax lotion and quotes "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan when describing her love for her five kids, all fathered by different turkey basters? Yeah, that. There are enough blogs like that.) However, I have this to say: Why, when women get fake breasts, do they so often go for subtlety? If you've ever trolled the before-and-after pics on plastic surgery sites, you'll see that lots of girls opt for the tasteful C. I say, if you're going to drop $3,000 on a pair of Dow Corning funbags, you might as well go hard or go home. Get the EEs, buy a copy of Dolly Parton's "White Limozeen" and be secure in the knowledge that you will provoke disapproving stares from every mammogram technician you encounter for the rest of your life. I'll bet they hate that. They get you between those steel plates and glance up at the monitor only to see that all your breast tissue has been obscured by the five million CCs of glittery snow globe fluid, complete with charming Christmas village.

HA HA HA That kills me.

Calgon Take Me Away

2004-10-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

Phew I must say that getting away with some friends is one of the most "sane" things I've done for myself lately. It's funny how you can get caught up in life's deathgrip, and not take care of the little things that keep one on track. It's been a long almost 4 years since I moved here from Canada, and although I knew I have had times of really going through some serious friend/home/family withdrawal.... I didn't quite know how bad off I was until I went away for the weekend and just rejuivinated.

Thank God for hokey country music, cute cowboys that will gladly just dance your ass off and not expect sexual favors in return, silly times with girls in hotel rooms playing "chinigins" and reminding me that life IS about being silly sometimes. I'm tired from lack of sleep, my musles hurt from the miles and miles and miles of siteseeing and walking we did, my face hurts from far too much laughter and I feel GREAT!

Disgusting World Records

2004-10-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Thats all Im saying. In my exploration of the plethora of useless information my brain has absorbed, I was checking a few facts to make sure I actually remembered them correctly. Needless to say it was a foray into the gross and stupid human tricks this morning, so I decided that I will post this, and then stop with the fun facts segment. hehe.

MOST HORRIBLE DRINK - The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm 'very recently attained' bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL - This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN - Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal luid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12ft 4 in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7 mph.
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED - Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES - Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her minge. (yes boys and girls..... minge)

Fun Facts III

2004-10-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. *snicker*
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't. *and they found this out how??*
A full grown bear can run as fast as a horse.
Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.
Robert E. Lee, of the Confederate Army, remains the only person, to date, to have graduated from the West Point military academy without a single demerit.
If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat, it measures 87 feet long.
In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. (and related?)
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

Fun Facts II

2004-10-05T05:54:00.000-07:00

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to theproduction of Guinness beer.
The bubbles in Guinness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top like all other beers. No one knows why.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
Horses and Rabbits cannot vomit.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats.
When opossums are playing opossum, they are not "playing". They actually pass out from sheer terror.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

Fun Facts I

2004-10-04T09:57:00.002-07:00

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.
You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark.
You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.
If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.
When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.
The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.
Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.
Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.
In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.

Ewww Bugs

2004-09-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you lucky enough to live where the ghastly Ciccada are not in the habit of scaring the bejeezus out of you, let me fill you in on just how scary it is to come face to face with the creature from the great beyond. Once upon a time there was a demon spawn bug that grew to insane proportions, say 2-5" in length, with long scratchy legs and fucking WINGS that enable it (once it came above ground) to fly about making screeching noises with said legs and making Pammy SCREAM HER FUCKING HEAD OFF.

Phew. They are pretty much like crickets on steroids except that they live underground and then come up once every 7 years to molt and leave their cocoon all over the fucking place, and make these horrendous noises, so they can die. Yes, boys and girls, it is their dying wish to watch grown women scream and have fits, laughing maniacally while they breathe their last breath.

So there I am, minding my own business, weeding in my flower garden in front of my house. Yes.. the part of the house that faces all of the uptight southern belle's in the neighborhood, who wouldn't say shit if they had a mouthful. I am really trying to be graceful, and not stick my ass up in the air for all to see, because I realize that they are still traumatized that I would be so brazen as to ride my very own riding lawnmower.. and *gasp* mow my own lawn. They fell over their finely coiffed selves to come over and ever so daintily give me the numbers to their "lawn boys". I'm sorry Scarlett, but I'm Canadian and didn't participate in slavery, nor is it beneath my painted toenails to mow my own damned lawn. But I digress... (sipping on a mint julep).

There I am.. weeding my flower garden, when I realize that I'm sweating a tad and need a drink. So I look up to the railing where I perched my ice water, and there.. licking its arse on the rim of my glass is King fucking KONG of ciccadas. This is the part where I once again shamed my husbands name by screaming like a child being beat with its own ripped off arm. I trampled through my poor lilly patch, over the petunias and right on past the monkey grass in an effort to escape. I hear M yelling my name asking if I'm ok, because all he can see are my gardening tools that I toppled and left and my legs running faster than he's ever seen. Did my little guest decide to stay put.. oh no... unknown to me, my initial screech scared him off of his perch, where he fluttered a bit and landed on the brim of my hat. So I'm running to get away... and reach the bottom of my lonnnnnnnnng driveway figuring an acre should be enough distance between us. Panting, heaving, whimpering in fright, bent at the waist trying to catch my breath. I finally get upright and look up towards the house, seeing M hopping down the driveway trying to get his other shoe on and attend to me... when my alien stalker grips its ugly legs around the brim of my hat and peeks itself down over to look me in the eye. GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OOOOOOFFFFFFFFF!

Okay. So once again my endorphins kick in and now I am not only the crazy lady riding the mower, but I am the crazy lady standing down at her mailbox beating herself around her head region. Screaming... GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF OF ME! At that point I am sure the minister's wife a few homes over is planning my exorcism, and calling a prayer chain for my deliverance. M gets within about 10 feet and sees my dilemma, at which point he just falls onto the lawn in hysterics, laughing at me. I swat it onto the ground, and look frantically at M... "KILL IT, KILL IT NOW". He snorts so delicately when he finds things about me that make him realize I am not Superwoman. Now I am hyperventilating. It decides that my foot, yes... my bare flip flopped foot needs to be sat on, which makes M laugh all the louder. Just before the darkness of fainting descends over me, I squeaked "I hate you.. I fucking hate you."

I think M now understands, that some things just aren't that funny anymore, and I am going to polish the big "S" on my chest. I have 7 more years to overcome this creature... and to stock up on Raid.

Ho Hauler

2004-09-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

I was pulling into my parking area at work this morning, and I see this shady dude sitting on one of the concrete pylons smoking his morning cig, just having woken up. We see this guy fairly often, mostly when he goes off of his meds and goes on a walkabout for a week or two, spending all of his time roaming the streets looking for adventure. We know this, because his wife eventually catches up to him, gets him detoxed, and back home on his meds. She usually comes to our office building to make sure that the kids down in the daycare weren't scared. He never goes near the daycare... he just uses the covered parking to stay warm at night. Seeing him this morning reminded me that its been quite a while since I last saw him, probably close to 5 months. And that episode went like this:

I worked serious overtime that day.. it was dark... and I was spooked about going out to my car alone. There I am.. umbrella ready to beat the hell out of anything that scares me. I'm hot-footing it to my car, when I hear something. I stop dead... trying frantically to see in the dim light whats going on... my car only 4 stalls ahead. No one else around.

I hear a rustling sound, and say a prayer to my Maker, hoping if today is my death day.. that I had on new panties to greet the day would win me points. Cause momma always said.. always put on new panties.. you never know when you are gonna be in an accident and someone might see. *sigh* (she's another story) hehe.

I get a little closer... tiptoeing as best I could, when I smell cigarette smoke, and then hear a man growl. I take 4 more steps to my car thinking I could sneak in and get the hell out of there. I sneak to the left thinking I'd go around from the rear of my car and just as I turn towards the front of it, there in front of me... sitting on the far concrete pylon, is shady dude. Buck assed nekkid, with a hooker kneeling on the dirty ground, and he barks out (in between pulls on his cigarette..... "suck it bitch, it ain't gonna suck itself". Words to live by.

I busted out laffing... couldn't help it. God could have struck me dead but I couldn't stop it from escaping. The fear/funny factor of it just seemed hysterical to me. He just cackles and nodded at me.. holding her head down, "ya'll have a good one" he says.

I get into my car... somehow. Tears rolling from laughing. I start my car and the lights come on, of course putting the pair in spotlights. She's trying like hell to finish her business, and he's just sitting there, leaning against the wall, smoking. Somehow I made it out of there in one piece... but had to pull over just down the way to get the mascara to stop running.

I really do see some if the damnedest things here down in Buttcrack, TN.

Music For The Soul

2004-09-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling very guilty lately, mostly because I have kind of put aside some things in my life that bring me great satisfaction. I know that it has been for good reason, and that dealing with family issues is much more important to me, I guess I just didn't realize that I would be putting them aside for quite this long.

Music has always been my very own time of healing. Whether it has been to just soothe me by listening to something calming, or whether its my favorite part - creating my own. I started playing guitar when I was a very little girl, mostly because I wanted my father's acceptance so badly, and because watching him play was like magic to me. He has never taken a lesson in his life and cannot read sheet music, but there isn't anything with strings that he cannot play... and play well. I think I was 4 when he taught me my first chord... a simple A chord. And when I got it mastered I was hooked. I could actually make it sound nice!! My mother and father divorced when I was only 10, but he had spent a lot of time away with work prior to that, so most of my learning was done privately, with books and bugging other adults I knew to teach me a chord. When I was in 5th grade, my mom let me join band in school.... where I discovered that I had a natural knack for picking up several instruments. I learned some flute.. but it was too foo foo for me, so I switched to clarinet and then bass clarinet (which I LOVED)... and then finally one day our band teacher convinced me to try the Tenor Sax because he needed one in the finale we were trying to learn. YAY... I loved that even more.

Going to church all my young life, I was always around singing and pianos and that all just came naturally to me. My father sings like an angel, and would always have parties at the house where his brothers and friends would come for the weekend, all with instruments, and we would have our very own jamboree's of sorts. After my father left, music was my own way of trying to deal with all the feelings I had inside, and it just became something I did daily... played... wrote, sang, whatever. During my most painful times in life, I truly believe that sitting down in the dark with my guitar, saved my sanity and renewed my heart. Needless to say, I've been a slacker since moving to the US. I have been so wrapped up in several hiccups that have happened, that I have forgotten to nurture something that means so much to me. Yesterday, I locked myself in my office at home, warmed up my voice a little, and tried to croak out a few things to get myself in the groove. Its amazing how much your vocal chords remember, but just as amazing as to how much they suffer and lose without workouts.

Today, my fingers hurt from the strings, and my voice is a little raw, but my heart feels very full. It was a very good day.

The mind is like a parachute...

2004-09-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

Some days .. there are just too many people on my planet. Yanno? There I was doing my usual morning commute to work, listening to Norah Jones, driving like my usual Canadian, good driver trying to live in Southern USA self, when Bubba Doo-Rag decides he likes my lane better. Not just my lane, but my exact GPS position. It didn't matter that he was only driving a POS Datsun B210 that looked like a good wind storm would put it out of it's misery, and that I was driving a brand spankin new truck. Ohh noo. He must have thought those spinners were wings, and would save him from all peril. Perhaps it was that his cock-eyed hat, looking jaunty with the brim in the 4 o'clock position, and just a tad tight that restricted the oxygen necessary to have reason, but I will call my father when I get home and kindly thank him for teaching me to drive in a blizzard, in the snow and ice and allowed me today to save my own bacon.

After a brief interlude of catching my breath, and then merging back into morning traffic, I continue on my merry way, once again trying to get Norah to soothe my frazzled nerves. Every morning I do this hour long commute, and I have had to have many little conversations with myself about not letting the overwhelmingly ignorant driver-safety conscious people here make me a nervous wreck. I am always polite, and I always use those nifty little things called SIGNAL LIGHTS, and never fail to let someone merge or have the right of way. So here I am, watching Evel Knievel ahead of me, swerving dangerously close and/or cutting off people, and coming very close several times to running other drivers right off the road. I called my town police station on my cell phone, and informed chickadee of the car, tag number, and the erratic behavior. "Yes ma'am, we'll look into it." I said a quick prayer of thanks that at least he was ahead of me where I could keep an eye on him. Everyone else must have thought the same thing because they all pulled over and slowed to let him pass. Junior Mint was now in the lead, most likely dreaming he was racing in the Nascar Championships. This went on for another 30 minutes or so, with us all trailing behind thankful to be in one piece and not a policeman in sight.

I glanced over at M, who was gripping the "holy shit" handle and he said, "that boy's an accident looking for a place to happen." Little did he know how prophetic he would be.

I just repeated a saying that has been a mantra of mine for a little while... I can't remember where or when I heard it, but it was something that rang true. "The mind is like a parachute, it works best when open." To me this is something that can be appopriate for many things, but mostly about just using plain old common sense.

Anyhoo.. I digress. About 5 miles before I have to take my exit to my office, there is this little "burb" that we have to go through that straddles the highway. Like all other little highway towns it is littered with gas stations and fast-food joints. I see the Datsun ahead on my left about 5 car lengths. Four lanes of traffic, 2 each way, all on a mission. On the northbound side it is mostly occupied by long-haul truckers getting their rigs on the road for the day. Its 6:40am, and the sun is shining. Datsun boy decided at the last minute he was going to make a left turn, without signaling, and across two lanes of oncoming traffic, RIGHT in front of a dual-axle (2 beds long) semi. I flinched as the world seemed to just stop. Slow motion, matrix kind of thing. I heard a voice screaming "nooooooo", and I realized it was me. Needless to say that the car lost its game of chicken with the semi, and when it all came to a stop, there were two more cars involved, with several fenders bumped behind the semi. Our side came to a complete stop, because we had known he was trouble. The young driver didn't make it. Whatever was so important to have to have, and to have this whole entitlement attitude cost him his life.

I miss home, and most of all I miss the times when respect, common sense, gratitude, and self control weren't unknown qualities in youth. I am only 36, but there are days when I feel worlds apart from the younger generations.