Ewww Bugs

For those of you lucky enough to live where the ghastly Ciccada are not in the habit of scaring the bejeezus out of you, let me fill you in on just how scary it is to come face to face with the creature from the great beyond. Once upon a time there was a demon spawn bug that grew to insane proportions, say 2-5" in length, with long scratchy legs and fucking WINGS that enable it (once it came above ground) to fly about making screeching noises with said legs and making Pammy SCREAM HER FUCKING HEAD OFF.

Phew. They are pretty much like crickets on steroids except that they live underground and then come up once every 7 years to molt and leave their cocoon all over the fucking place, and make these horrendous noises, so they can die. Yes, boys and girls, it is their dying wish to watch grown women scream and have fits, laughing maniacally while they breathe their last breath.

So there I am, minding my own business, weeding in my flower garden in front of my house. Yes.. the part of the house that faces all of the uptight southern belle's in the neighborhood, who wouldn't say shit if they had a mouthful. I am really trying to be graceful, and not stick my ass up in the air for all to see, because I realize that they are still traumatized that I would be so brazen as to ride my very own riding lawnmower.. and *gasp* mow my own lawn. They fell over their finely coiffed selves to come over and ever so daintily give me the numbers to their "lawn boys". I'm sorry Scarlett, but I'm Canadian and didn't participate in slavery, nor is it beneath my painted toenails to mow my own damned lawn. But I digress... (sipping on a mint julep).

There I am.. weeding my flower garden, when I realize that I'm sweating a tad and need a drink. So I look up to the railing where I perched my ice water, and there.. licking its arse on the rim of my glass is King fucking KONG of ciccadas. This is the part where I once again shamed my husbands name by screaming like a child being beat with its own ripped off arm. I trampled through my poor lilly patch, over the petunias and right on past the monkey grass in an effort to escape. I hear M yelling my name asking if I'm ok, because all he can see are my gardening tools that I toppled and left and my legs running faster than he's ever seen. Did my little guest decide to stay put.. oh no... unknown to me, my initial screech scared him off of his perch, where he fluttered a bit and landed on the brim of my hat. So I'm running to get away... and reach the bottom of my lonnnnnnnnng driveway figuring an acre should be enough distance between us. Panting, heaving, whimpering in fright, bent at the waist trying to catch my breath. I finally get upright and look up towards the house, seeing M hopping down the driveway trying to get his other shoe on and attend to me... when my alien stalker grips its ugly legs around the brim of my hat and peeks itself down over to look me in the eye. GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OOOOOOFFFFFFFFF!

Okay. So once again my endorphins kick in and now I am not only the crazy lady riding the mower, but I am the crazy lady standing down at her mailbox beating herself around her head region. Screaming... GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF OF ME! At that point I am sure the minister's wife a few homes over is planning my exorcism, and calling a prayer chain for my deliverance. M gets within about 10 feet and sees my dilemma, at which point he just falls onto the lawn in hysterics, laughing at me. I swat it onto the ground, and look frantically at M... "KILL IT, KILL IT NOW". He snorts so delicately when he finds things about me that make him realize I am not Superwoman. Now I am hyperventilating. It decides that my foot, yes... my bare flip flopped foot needs to be sat on, which makes M laugh all the louder. Just before the darkness of fainting descends over me, I squeaked "I hate you.. I fucking hate you."

I think M now understands, that some things just aren't that funny anymore, and I am going to polish the big "S" on my chest. I have 7 more years to overcome this creature... and to stock up on Raid.