You might be a Canadian if....

• You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
• You know Toronto is not a province.
• You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine. "
• You drink pop, not soda.
• You know what it means to be on pogey.
• You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
• You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
• You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
• You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
• You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
• Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
• You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
• You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

Fed Up

I have decided that I am going to quit my job. It's such a freeing and scary feeling all at the same time. I have always been a great employee (toot toot), and have prided myself in being good at what I do, as well as always going above and beyond the call of duty. Growing up in Canada, and having my work ethic developed there through not only example of my parents, but the sheer fact that if you don't work.... and do it well.... you just won't have a job to worry about. None of this pansy assed PC crap, no free pass because of your color or heritage or gender. For those of you that know me, you can probably guess how many times I have had to bite my tongue and not just blurt my thoughts and feelings out, or how many times I have just had to walk away before my facial expression gave me away. Too many to count. I am extremely organized and thorough, mostly out of learning to CYA. Cover Your Ass. I am always courteous to people, and respectful of my boss or their authority.... but there comes a time in life where you just cannot allow anyone... especially someone with an agenda to treat you like you are the red headed step child and are somehow less than.

Yesterday was that day for me. I could bore with the details, lets just suffice it to say that Cruella made the wrong decision to try and embarrass me in front of 6 co-workers over an issue that had nothing whatsoever to do with me or my work, but was solely her responsibility. I sat there, stunned for a moment... and in a flash my decision was made. Sometimes you have to say what the fuck. In your lifetime people will come and go, husbands, boyfriends, children grow and leave, people die.... all you truly have in life is your integrity, and if you compromise that you have lost. I was livid, but thats a good thing. I was so angry I was deadly calm. You know that good indignant place where you calmly lay someone open without getting all weepy n shit. Thankfully I have a husband with a great job that gives me the ability to make that choice without being held back in fear, however yesterday was an affront to me personally, and I would have made that choice regardless. I have spoken with the Big Cheese already this morning, and informed them that I will be giving notice, and explained why. Within an hour I had an offer to stay with a pay increase. Sorry, money does not buy my integrity.

So, now I'm looking ahead at something new. I am actively looking for new work. And considering when I will give my written notice and how long I will be here. I don't know when I will be done, because I do have class, and I will train someone new. I am looking forward to what may lie ahead. Perhaps I will follow my heart and start my own business.. who knows.... the future is mine.

Tick Tock

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my nieces and nephews, and the wonderful times we had being silly when they were smaller and we lived in the same city. Perhaps my biological clock is going crazy... after all I am getting old you know. When I was 29 and my big milestone birthday was looming, all of my family and friends started their sympathy calling about 2 months in advance. "Ohhhhh are you ok? How are you doing... you know... with THE big birthday coming?" In truth, it didn't bother me in the least. It still doesn't. I love being in my 30's, and I didn't feel the need to have a nervous breakdown just because I was turning 30. They all fretted and worried enough for ten people, so why bother.

I know that I have always loved children, and have always wanted to be able to be a mother and have some of my very own.... today's world though, scares the bejeezus out of me. Does that stop me from wanting? No. Maybe I will have to give this some thought soon, seeing as how it is finally something I am aware of as a woman... in her mid 30's. My oldest niece is now going on 23, and I can remember her birth like it was yesterday. All of her childhood antics are still fresh in my mind, I mean hell I was only 14 when she was born...still a child myself. I have some very special memories of her because she and I were always so close, and I am so proud of the wonderful, kind-hearted and gracious beautiful young lady she has become.

I also know this... my little Irish mother is more concerned that I will be an Old Maid, and leave her without any new little babies to spoil. The round of "OMG you have been married almost 4 years... aren't you pregnant YET!" calls have begun again. Somehow I don't think my snappy retort that I used with her last time will work again. "Ma.. if you want a baby so bad again, how about YOU get knocked up?". Newp... I don't think it will work again. Then again I start reading the medical data that comes through my office with all of the STD and HIV statistics here in the South, and I think.. omg.. what child needs to be brought into this crap? I seriously think that if I were to get pregnant, I would have to leave the south. I refuse to bring a child up in the second most ignorant state in the union as far as education, not to mention the insane racism and attitudes. As if a child doesn't have enough of a struggle just learning life lessons.. they don't need that too.

Ok I just realized I am ranting, and sounded very much like my mother in my head.

I think I can.... I think I can

Ok so I haven't always been so gracious and complimenting about living here in this shithole... er Memphis. I have tried to see the positive parts instead of the negative parts...and trust me, I have looked.. but I always seem to end up on the short end of the stick. Coming from Canada, I guess that I was one of the many who fell for the whole "Gone With The Wind" kind of polite, southern charm image of the south. Boy was I wrong.

Being a musician, I was so excited about the prospect of living someplace that literally is one of the foundations of blues and southern gospel. I was so excited about investigating small little places that are rich in history and music. I was stoked about perhaps joining a local band even... and seeing where that would lead. Both times that I tried out... I was asked on the phone to give a sample of my voice ... so I sang a lil ditty. Both times.. 'oh wow... you have a great sound'. Then came the ominous voice.. "um... are you white or african american?". I'm white... does it really matter? "Sorry, you have a great voice, but the wrong color." WRONG COLOR??? *sigh*. I guess this part of the country really hasn't progressed as much as they should. SO ok... maybe I can just enjoy some of the local flavor and LISTEN to the great sounds I hear. But noooo... I'm asked to leave because it is a place for 'black folk" only. Jesus... I moved to Memphis... I didn't realize that I went back in time and the roles were reversed? Don't they realize that I didn't grow up around this crap? Can't they see in my aura or smell my attitude and see that I'm really not a redneck or bigot or racist?

I even saw a black man pushing a stroller with the cutest little twin girls, and when I stopped to look and coo at the precious little ones (those of you that know me know I ADORE children), his wife came running over and snatched them away giving me the death look like I was trying to steal their children. I just looked at her and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you have the most beautiful babies." This got me a look saying "FREAK!".

Then I get a job... FINALLY out and about meeting people.. maybe I can find a girlfriend and just settle in and enjoy it here. Two weeks into my job, a co-worker came in and closed my door and said "Can you stop working so hard, you are making me look bad. And I KNOW its because you are white and I am black". Um hello assbag... I'm from Canada... the land where if you don't work hard... someone WILL fire your unentitled ass, and there are 30 people waiting in line to replace you. Ok so obviously finding a friend at work is a no go. I trudge home hoping that I will meet some great outgoing gal in my neighborhood. Instead I have a note in my mailbox, inviting me to "ladies tea". I go... all excited and antsy. I get there, and pretty much it was the well hairsprayed, manicured, spackled on makeup'd, perfectly coiffed matrons of the neighborhood... not one even within 20 years of my age... taking it upon themselves to to berate me for having the audacity to ride my own riding lawnmower... and mow my own lawn.

Fastforward to last night. There I sat, eyes glued to the television set, watching the weather radar because once again we were under a Severe Tornado/Thunderstorm watch. All night I was there because they kept having tornados touch down to the east, to the north and to the west of me. 3 people died just minutes north of me. I have decided, I would rather have the snow. This shit is for the birds.

I'm still looking for that one good thing about Memphis. I haven't found it. Not.one.thing.

Alcohol Warning Labels

I have a very low tolerance for asshole alcoholics. I have no trouble with people that can handle what they drink... and are happy-go-lucky people. I do have a seriously low tolerance for people who have to have liquid courage in order to become the supreme asshole they barely keep hidden when they are sober. It comes from growing up with an alcoholic father, who when drinking conveniently forgot that he had a family... and that his children would be scarred by his cruel words. Anyway... these made me laff :)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a pig off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Post HumpDay Quiz

1. What is yourmost embarassing sexual moment?

2. If you had to be spanked or spank, which would you choose?

3. What's your weirdest kink? Come on, seriously, you've got weirder than THAT, you know you do...

4. What's hotter, hard core or soft core?

5. Clothes on or clothes off?

*grin*

Hump Day Quiz

Today's topic du jour: voyeurism and exhibitionism

1. Given the resources and the guarantee your mom would never find out about it, would you do any of the following: a) pose nude tastefully, b) be a stripper, or c) be a porn "star".

2. Does the idea of being seen in public naked or partially clothed or partially exposed or some other variation turn you on? Why or why not?

3. Have you ever watched (or heard) two other people have sex (as a non participant)? Yes, college counts. Did it turn you on? Again, why or why not. We suppose mom and dad count too, but EW.

4. If you could watch any two people in the world have sex, who would you choose? You can go ahead and pick a setting too if you like.

5. Guys: do you other check out other guys' junk while peeing? Girls: do you check out other girls' bodies in the locker room?

CHOP CHOP

Random Thoughts

Have you ever noticed that female gymnasts never get camel toe? Or nuclear wedgies; either the leotards are specially engineered not to crawl into moist places, or the girls themselves are neuters. (I'm more inclined to believe the former.) They're all compact, boyish hipped waifs, looking slightly anorexic with chalk covered hip bones and breasts.. where are their breasts?? Can you imagine if the women's gymnastics team was comprised of big, voluptuous earth mamas with huge tits and errant pubic hairs? It would be a lot more fun to watch.

With all this talk of breasts, I hope I don't cause this blog to resemble some kind of supergirly knitting-and-dildos site. (You know the kind; some stitch witch in Olympia, Washington makes homemade kneesocks and beeswax lotion and quotes "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan when describing her love for her five kids, all fathered by different turkey basters? Yeah, that. There are enough blogs like that.) However, I have this to say: Why, when women get fake breasts, do they so often go for subtlety? If you've ever trolled the before-and-after pics on plastic surgery sites, you'll see that lots of girls opt for the tasteful C. I say, if you're going to drop $3,000 on a pair of Dow Corning funbags, you might as well go hard or go home. Get the EEs, buy a copy of Dolly Parton's "White Limozeen" and be secure in the knowledge that you will provoke disapproving stares from every mammogram technician you encounter for the rest of your life. I'll bet they hate that. They get you between those steel plates and glance up at the monitor only to see that all your breast tissue has been obscured by the five million CCs of glittery snow globe fluid, complete with charming Christmas village.

HA HA HA That kills me.

Calgon Take Me Away

Phew I must say that getting away with some friends is one of the most "sane" things I've done for myself lately. It's funny how you can get caught up in life's deathgrip, and not take care of the little things that keep one on track. It's been a long almost 4 years since I moved here from Canada, and although I knew I have had times of really going through some serious friend/home/family withdrawal.... I didn't quite know how bad off I was until I went away for the weekend and just rejuivinated.

Thank God for hokey country music, cute cowboys that will gladly just dance your ass off and not expect sexual favors in return, silly times with girls in hotel rooms playing "chinigins" and reminding me that life IS about being silly sometimes. I'm tired from lack of sleep, my musles hurt from the miles and miles and miles of siteseeing and walking we did, my face hurts from far too much laughter and I feel GREAT!

Disgusting World Records

Ugh. Thats all Im saying. In my exploration of the plethora of useless information my brain has absorbed, I was checking a few facts to make sure I actually remembered them correctly. Needless to say it was a foray into the gross and stupid human tricks this morning, so I decided that I will post this, and then stop with the fun facts segment. hehe.

• MOST HORRIBLE DRINK - The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm 'very recently attained' bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
• MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL - This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
• GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN - Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal luid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12ft 4 in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7 mph.
• MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED - Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
• LONGEST PUBES - Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her minge. (yes boys and girls..... minge)

Fun Facts III

• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. *snicker*
• A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't. *and they found this out how??*
• A full grown bear can run as fast as a horse.
• Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.
• Robert E. Lee, of the Confederate Army, remains the only person, to date, to have graduated from the West Point military academy without a single demerit.
• If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat, it measures 87 feet long.
• In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. (and related?)
• Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
• Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
• The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

Fun Facts II

• On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
• Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
• Almonds are members of the peach family.
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
• Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
• A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to theproduction of Guinness beer.
• The bubbles in Guinness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top like all other beers. No one knows why.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
• Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
• A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.
• It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
• Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.
• The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
• The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
• Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
• Horses and Rabbits cannot vomit.
• To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
• Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats.
• When opossums are playing opossum, they are not "playing". They actually pass out from sheer terror.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
• Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
• Every person has a unique tongue print.
• Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

Fun Facts I

• If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
• Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
• Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.
• You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark.
• You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.
• If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.
• When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.
• The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
• On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.
• Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.
• Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.
• In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.
• If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
• More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.